Match.com creep #20,017 sent me an email this week. The first thing I see is his profile name: cu2knight. Nice, dude. In your dreams, and I don't mean that kind of dream.
His obnoxious user ID wasn't the only signal that a major douchebag was about to be revealed. Next up was the subject line of the email, which was strongly reminiscent of one quarter of the spam in my junk mail folder (the remainder of my spam folder is dedicated to my prescription drug needs related to my erectile dysfunction and mental illness):
Subject: CONGRATS! YOU GOTTA READ THIS...
And finally, he sealed his fate with the following email message:
Your match of the week! How's everything??
I just assume you're gettin tired of all these stupid emails from guys, so this is my attempt NOT to write you a corney email. ;-) Hope it works for ya!
so what's goin on?? Ummm...
Your profile DID catch my attention though, and I wanted to find out more about you!
I see by your pictures, you have more than ONE source of income.
LOL! It's cool! (who's money is that?)
A little about me...I'm 32, a firefighter/EMT. I'm attractive, spontaneous, funny, and fun to be around!
How about yourself?? Tell me...
What is something that you're REALLY attracted to in a man?
What's is a major 'turnoff' for you?
What are you most passionate about in life? Yoga pant's, huh?
I just hope you REALLY are a cool, attractive, sarcastic woman, and not some 400 pound toothless old man pretending to be one, ya know?
ENOUGH OF THAT! LOL!
Anyway...I'm sure you're here to meet someone.
So, why don't you reach out to me...we'll have a drink sometime.
And if nothing else...you'll make a cool friend!
CHRIS
My immediate thoughts:
-Enough with the LOL-ing. I highly doubt you are Laughing Out Loud, and if you are...you're an idiot because what you are LOL at isn't even funny.
-Your attempt to not write me a corny email was far and away one of the corniest emails I have received. However, you do get points for actually reading my profile. (No points awarded for looking at my pictures, as that is a given.)
-It's fantastic that you think you're attractive and what's even more attractive about you is the fact that you felt compelled to tell me you're attractive. [For those of you who saw his profile picture, it was agreed he is scary-looking and not attractive. Think old-school Arnold Schwarzenegger....shudder!]
-In addition to your self-appointed stunning good looks, I appreciate the fact that you informed me that if it doesn't work out between us, at least I'll make a cool friend. Now do you mean I would make a cool friend for you to have, or that you would be a cool friend for me to have? Given your egotistical message I'm going to assume you mean I get to make the cool friend. Thanks!
-Grammar check: this guy is a huge fan of the "apostrophe s" - particularly when it is not applicable. And is your caps lock key stuck down? For a dude you're a big fan of the "!!!" and the emphasis implied by capitalization. STOP SHOUTING AT ME!!!
-You're sure I'm here to meet someone...don't be so sure! So far all Match.com has been good for is some fun anecdotes to keep my friends (attached and otherwise) laughing. "Ya know?" No, I don't know - LOL!!!
And so the search continues...
Thursday, October 22, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
"Intellectual Petting"
Another Match.com weirdo comes out of the woodwork. Here is the original email I received:
_____________________
From: real_deal123
Date received: October 07, 2009
Subject: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..
Well, that pic of the 100 dollar bill is hilarious.... and you look like you know exactly how to have a good time.. I don't write to many on here, but I loved your profile.. .and I'm thinking the sense of humor is probably fantastic... hope to chat soon...
David
_____________________
I have to admit, I was flattered. I mean, Real_Deal_Davie doesn't email many on Match.com but he chose ME!!! Despite his obnoxious user ID I take a look at his profile. As a rule of thumb, when looking at someone's profile you always start with their pictures first that way you don't waste valuable moments of your life reading a profile that ultimately won't ever matter. I'm flipping through his pics and they are all relatively normal, a smiling "husky-ish" fellow who likes beaches and restaurants and seems to have a social life. He cropped out all friends, but he was with other people.
Then I get to the last picture...and it's a self portrait taken in what is CLEARLY a laundry room, but the fact that there's a broad mirror tells me it's a laundry room/bathroom. There wasn't even an attempt to disguise the fact that it was a self portrait in a bathroom mirror, he was holding his blackberry up and out to get the best angle and lighting for the photo.
I'm intrigued at this total lapse in good picture judgment and I read his profile.
_____________________
Headline:
Anybody else a flip-flop fanatic?? Looking to find my other 1/2 to the flip-flop gang.. LOL.. I do wear appropriate footwear when it matters
Profile:
Just to clear up something: I have tons of flexibility in my schedule so location is not that important within reason.
Must be able to really laugh at yourself at times... This world is too serious!!!
First of all, I must say rock solid in terms of my loyalty and character, just making that clear, and secondly, I am really looking for someone with whom I engage in "intellectual petting" if you know what I'm talking about you probably would get along well with me....Wow..what a tough thing to try and sum up in 4000 characters.. Get to know me and I am a very trustworthy, generous, loving, loyal person who really enjoys life to the fullest. I've travelled all over the US and enjoy taking many trips/year even if those trips are only 2 to 3 days. I enjoy intellectual stimulation with someone as I love to learn new things and love to be constantly challenged.. My ideal person (NOT a must) would be intelligent, possibly athletic, maybe a former high school or collegiate athlete and I do get along with teachers, nurses, and those from the business community best but I am totally open to other options.. I have typically been attracted to tall women, but that does not rule out anyone, though I do draw the line at 5' 1", LOL.. There is so much more to me than 4000 characters and I think I am really looking for someone with a GREAT sense of humor that meshes well with mine, someone who loves the water/beach, trustworthy and loyal are big factors as well. Many things are open for discussion and I only have a few deal breakers, smoking being one of them.
_____________________
My immediate thoughts:
-Douchebag
-Here we go with the LOYALTY again - and three references to it!!
-Intellectual petting - WTF?
-I like how his ideal woman does not have to be intelligent. It's good he specifies that because he doesn't have a chance with an actual intelligent woman.
-Teachers and Nurses = Fetish
I'm annoyed that he wrote to me and stated that not many woman receive the honor of an email from him, yet he has obviously contacted enough women on Match who live some distance away that he offers the disclaimer about his schedule flexibility. So I write him an email pointing out in a subtle way that I think he, and his bathroom self portrait, are lame.
_____________________
To: real_deal123
Date received: October 11, 2009
Subject: RE: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..
Hi David,
Thanks for your email. I looked at your profile and to be honest I have no idea what intellectual petting is. I did Google the term and the first result was a blog "confessions of an intellectual Barbie." The second result was a biography on Pope John Paul II. The third result was a band "Heavy Petting" and the fourth, "Petting Zoo Gifts." Eclectic mix there.
Is one of your profile pics REALLY a self-portrait taken in a what appears to be a laundry room...if not a bathroom?
_____________________
And the response comes back...
_____________________
From: real_deal123
Date received: October 12, 2009
Subject: RE: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..
so you are sarcastic..!!! Fantastic..., and yes, that pic was in the bathroom/laundry room.. it's my self-portrait room... I can't wait to hear some things that border on inappropriate.. .haha... that comment was hilarious!!...
Need to know more about you!!
David
_____________________
Douchebag status: Confirmed. (As if there were any doubts.) A self-portrait room....how many self portraits does a moderately unattractive man need? I can only begin to wonder how many pics he snapped of himself in the bathroom the night he took the pic that actually made it online. I had no intentions of replying to his email, as my single question ("did you really take a pic in the bathroom?") had been answered. But Real_Deal_Davie has fallen for me...and I suspect he kept thinking about me and re-reading my email again and again and again...because one day later he writes back. For a second time.
_____________________
From: real_deal123
Date received: October 13, 2009
Subject: RE: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..
Intellectual petting is that feeling when you are turned on by a conversation w/ someone... but more in depth than that... Any interest in chatting on the phone?
David
_____________________
Ah, so intellectual petting = talking dirty. Creepy, weird and way too much information way too soon. Is he really asking me for phone sex? Do I have to pretend I'm either a nurse or a teacher? Or does he want to have a stimulating conversation with me about the notional value of options contracts on an equity portfolio. Yeah, that will definitely turn him on.
Sorry Real_Deal_Davie, I have no interest in giving you the intellectual petting you crave. If I'm going to talk dirty it's going to be for a 1-900 number so I get paid. Because as you know, I only give freebies to the guys at work: [in sexy, sultry voice] So guys, who's Justin Beaver?
_____________________
From: real_deal123
Date received: October 07, 2009
Subject: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..
Well, that pic of the 100 dollar bill is hilarious.... and you look like you know exactly how to have a good time.. I don't write to many on here, but I loved your profile.. .and I'm thinking the sense of humor is probably fantastic... hope to chat soon...
David
_____________________
I have to admit, I was flattered. I mean, Real_Deal_Davie doesn't email many on Match.com but he chose ME!!! Despite his obnoxious user ID I take a look at his profile. As a rule of thumb, when looking at someone's profile you always start with their pictures first that way you don't waste valuable moments of your life reading a profile that ultimately won't ever matter. I'm flipping through his pics and they are all relatively normal, a smiling "husky-ish" fellow who likes beaches and restaurants and seems to have a social life. He cropped out all friends, but he was with other people.
Then I get to the last picture...and it's a self portrait taken in what is CLEARLY a laundry room, but the fact that there's a broad mirror tells me it's a laundry room/bathroom. There wasn't even an attempt to disguise the fact that it was a self portrait in a bathroom mirror, he was holding his blackberry up and out to get the best angle and lighting for the photo.
I'm intrigued at this total lapse in good picture judgment and I read his profile.
_____________________
Headline:
Anybody else a flip-flop fanatic?? Looking to find my other 1/2 to the flip-flop gang.. LOL.. I do wear appropriate footwear when it matters
Profile:
Just to clear up something: I have tons of flexibility in my schedule so location is not that important within reason.
Must be able to really laugh at yourself at times... This world is too serious!!!
First of all, I must say rock solid in terms of my loyalty and character, just making that clear, and secondly, I am really looking for someone with whom I engage in "intellectual petting" if you know what I'm talking about you probably would get along well with me....Wow..what a tough thing to try and sum up in 4000 characters.. Get to know me and I am a very trustworthy, generous, loving, loyal person who really enjoys life to the fullest. I've travelled all over the US and enjoy taking many trips/year even if those trips are only 2 to 3 days. I enjoy intellectual stimulation with someone as I love to learn new things and love to be constantly challenged.. My ideal person (NOT a must) would be intelligent, possibly athletic, maybe a former high school or collegiate athlete and I do get along with teachers, nurses, and those from the business community best but I am totally open to other options.. I have typically been attracted to tall women, but that does not rule out anyone, though I do draw the line at 5' 1", LOL.. There is so much more to me than 4000 characters and I think I am really looking for someone with a GREAT sense of humor that meshes well with mine, someone who loves the water/beach, trustworthy and loyal are big factors as well. Many things are open for discussion and I only have a few deal breakers, smoking being one of them.
_____________________
My immediate thoughts:
-Douchebag
-Here we go with the LOYALTY again - and three references to it!!
-Intellectual petting - WTF?
-I like how his ideal woman does not have to be intelligent. It's good he specifies that because he doesn't have a chance with an actual intelligent woman.
-Teachers and Nurses = Fetish
I'm annoyed that he wrote to me and stated that not many woman receive the honor of an email from him, yet he has obviously contacted enough women on Match who live some distance away that he offers the disclaimer about his schedule flexibility. So I write him an email pointing out in a subtle way that I think he, and his bathroom self portrait, are lame.
_____________________
To: real_deal123
Date received: October 11, 2009
Subject: RE: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..
Hi David,
Thanks for your email. I looked at your profile and to be honest I have no idea what intellectual petting is. I did Google the term and the first result was a blog "confessions of an intellectual Barbie." The second result was a biography on Pope John Paul II. The third result was a band "Heavy Petting" and the fourth, "Petting Zoo Gifts." Eclectic mix there.
Is one of your profile pics REALLY a self-portrait taken in a what appears to be a laundry room...if not a bathroom?
_____________________
And the response comes back...
_____________________
From: real_deal123
Date received: October 12, 2009
Subject: RE: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..
so you are sarcastic..!!! Fantastic..., and yes, that pic was in the bathroom/laundry room.. it's my self-portrait room... I can't wait to hear some things that border on inappropriate.. .haha... that comment was hilarious!!...
Need to know more about you!!
David
_____________________
Douchebag status: Confirmed. (As if there were any doubts.) A self-portrait room....how many self portraits does a moderately unattractive man need? I can only begin to wonder how many pics he snapped of himself in the bathroom the night he took the pic that actually made it online. I had no intentions of replying to his email, as my single question ("did you really take a pic in the bathroom?") had been answered. But Real_Deal_Davie has fallen for me...and I suspect he kept thinking about me and re-reading my email again and again and again...because one day later he writes back. For a second time.
_____________________
From: real_deal123
Date received: October 13, 2009
Subject: RE: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..
Intellectual petting is that feeling when you are turned on by a conversation w/ someone... but more in depth than that... Any interest in chatting on the phone?
David
_____________________
Ah, so intellectual petting = talking dirty. Creepy, weird and way too much information way too soon. Is he really asking me for phone sex? Do I have to pretend I'm either a nurse or a teacher? Or does he want to have a stimulating conversation with me about the notional value of options contracts on an equity portfolio. Yeah, that will definitely turn him on.
Sorry Real_Deal_Davie, I have no interest in giving you the intellectual petting you crave. If I'm going to talk dirty it's going to be for a 1-900 number so I get paid. Because as you know, I only give freebies to the guys at work: [in sexy, sultry voice] So guys, who's Justin Beaver?
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Match - a celebration of codependency
One thing that seems to be common among the men of Match: their extreme loyalty. Nearly every prospect sites his undying loyalty in his profile...and his insistence that his Match be loyal in return.
Why loyalty? It is fairly simply to spell: l-o-y-a-l-t-y...hmm, actually not that easy. Trust me, these guys can mess that up in a heartbeat. Another thought: there's some online automated profile writer (kind of like Mad Libs for Love) that gives a baseline story and you fill in the obvious details: I enjoy {noun}, and {verb}, and I'm {adverb} into {verb}. (This could be a very fun future post, stay tuned!)
No, I believe that these guys are being honest about their codependency. Because isn't that the key "strength" of a codependent: extreme loyalty to the point that it becomes enabling?
Loyalty in a relationship should be a given. I don't want to read about how loyal you are in your profile, that's something you show me over time. And if extreme loyalty is all you've got to tell me about yourself, well then we don't have much to build on here. You may as well write "I'm extremely damaged. Can you handle that?"
So guys, lose the "loyalty" and tell me something about you that I would not already assume. Do you like to BBQ? Tell me. Are you one of those guys who "yell at the TV" when sports is on? Tell me. What are you passionate about? Tell me. If we weren't all looking for loyalty then we'd be on Adult Friend Finder, not Match.com.
Why loyalty? It is fairly simply to spell: l-o-y-a-l-t-y...hmm, actually not that easy. Trust me, these guys can mess that up in a heartbeat. Another thought: there's some online automated profile writer (kind of like Mad Libs for Love) that gives a baseline story and you fill in the obvious details: I enjoy {noun}, and {verb}, and I'm {adverb} into {verb}. (This could be a very fun future post, stay tuned!)
No, I believe that these guys are being honest about their codependency. Because isn't that the key "strength" of a codependent: extreme loyalty to the point that it becomes enabling?
Loyalty in a relationship should be a given. I don't want to read about how loyal you are in your profile, that's something you show me over time. And if extreme loyalty is all you've got to tell me about yourself, well then we don't have much to build on here. You may as well write "I'm extremely damaged. Can you handle that?"
So guys, lose the "loyalty" and tell me something about you that I would not already assume. Do you like to BBQ? Tell me. Are you one of those guys who "yell at the TV" when sports is on? Tell me. What are you passionate about? Tell me. If we weren't all looking for loyalty then we'd be on Adult Friend Finder, not Match.com.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
She sure likes her juice!
On occasion, I have a glass of wine with dinner. Not every night, and usually not at all during the week. But if I do open a bottle to accompany my flat iron steak (a delicious cut of meat, highly recommended) I have a tendency to have a glass of "juice" several nights in a row simply to not let the bottle go to waste. After all, who wants to be wasteful?
Why am I calling it juice? The joke is that I drink the wine out of a juice glass. An Ikea juice glass, the best $0.60/each I ever spent.
Why a juice glass? Two reasons.
1. Washing and drying a single wine glass is a huge pain: my Reidels are quite delicate and require TLC.
2. The dishwasher: as a single female living alone my dishwasher is run about once every three weeks. I all but wash each dish before placing it inside. However, I have an extremely active imagination and I have managed to dream up every horrible demise that could possibly befall me. This, despite being a revoltingly optimistic person. Following to my premature death I see my heartbroken parents coming to my home to clear out my belongings. [Let's be honest, it would be more of a looting situation.] My mother opens the dishwasher...and finds it full of wine glasses.
Trust me, I am not worried in the least about either of my parents questioning my drinking -they of ALL people should not question an other's drinking- but I would simply hate for anyone to think I was home alone sucking down wine and hiding bottles in the garbage.
Because part of my overactive imagination is envisioning the scenario that would play out in their minds upon discovering a dishwasher full of wine glasses: Tish, in sweats and glasses, quietly opens the door to the hallway late at night. She pauses, listening intently to ensure no one is coming, then tip-toes out and heads for the stairs, quietly lugging a Hefty bag bulging in numerous places with empty wine bottles and the occasional wine box. The bottles in the bag clink together and Tish cringes, fearful of what the neighbors would think if they saw her toting the garbage bag of shame down to the recycling bins...
Rather, it comforts me to think that when the dishwasher is opened by my family they will see plates, bowls, forks, knives, spoons...and a whole lot of juice glasses. Which will prompt them to say "Wow, she sure liked her juice!"
Indeed, I do.
Why am I calling it juice? The joke is that I drink the wine out of a juice glass. An Ikea juice glass, the best $0.60/each I ever spent.
Why a juice glass? Two reasons.
1. Washing and drying a single wine glass is a huge pain: my Reidels are quite delicate and require TLC.
2. The dishwasher: as a single female living alone my dishwasher is run about once every three weeks. I all but wash each dish before placing it inside. However, I have an extremely active imagination and I have managed to dream up every horrible demise that could possibly befall me. This, despite being a revoltingly optimistic person. Following to my premature death I see my heartbroken parents coming to my home to clear out my belongings. [Let's be honest, it would be more of a looting situation.] My mother opens the dishwasher...and finds it full of wine glasses.
Trust me, I am not worried in the least about either of my parents questioning my drinking -they of ALL people should not question an other's drinking- but I would simply hate for anyone to think I was home alone sucking down wine and hiding bottles in the garbage.
Because part of my overactive imagination is envisioning the scenario that would play out in their minds upon discovering a dishwasher full of wine glasses: Tish, in sweats and glasses, quietly opens the door to the hallway late at night. She pauses, listening intently to ensure no one is coming, then tip-toes out and heads for the stairs, quietly lugging a Hefty bag bulging in numerous places with empty wine bottles and the occasional wine box. The bottles in the bag clink together and Tish cringes, fearful of what the neighbors would think if they saw her toting the garbage bag of shame down to the recycling bins...
Rather, it comforts me to think that when the dishwasher is opened by my family they will see plates, bowls, forks, knives, spoons...and a whole lot of juice glasses. Which will prompt them to say "Wow, she sure liked her juice!"
Indeed, I do.
Monday, October 5, 2009
Gr8_Guy_4U
There's a whole lot of great guys on match. Nice guys too. And a few good guys, but definitely more great guys than anything else. How do I know?
Is it from the success stories I hear from my friends regarding their positive Match.com experiences? Is it from my own experience dating guys from Match? Is it from perusing their online photos that show them surrounded by lots of friends and family? [He must be normal, someone let him hold their baby!]
Nope, I know this because of their user IDs.
For some reason, many guys on Match feel compelled to make their user ID containing 'great guy', 'gr8 guy', 'nice guy'...and about a million variations of these. I guess the rationale is "She'll overlook my hideous appearance and inability to use spell check when she sees my user ID says I'm a great guy!"
But that's the problem with these so called 'great guys': nothing in their written profile ever indicates greatness. Well, aside from the standard opening line in their summary: "My friends and family all say I'm a great guy."
Let's be honest here...if you were really that great, you would have already been snatched up by an equally great woman and you would be living out the American dream. You know, the dream that includes 2.5 kids, no savings, maxed out credit cards, a mortgage that's under water and a dried up line of credit tied to said mortgage.
You're not selling yourself with that user ID...in fact, "Gr8_Guy_4U", you're selling yourself short with it. If you're really a decent guy prove it in a meaningful way: write a great summary of who you are, what you like, and what you're looking for.
If the only thing that makes you great is your user ID and some generic testimonial attributed to friends and family...well, you best sign up for the extended plan at Match.com because that simply is not going to work. On a great gal like me, anyway.
Is it from the success stories I hear from my friends regarding their positive Match.com experiences? Is it from my own experience dating guys from Match? Is it from perusing their online photos that show them surrounded by lots of friends and family? [He must be normal, someone let him hold their baby!]
Nope, I know this because of their user IDs.
For some reason, many guys on Match feel compelled to make their user ID containing 'great guy', 'gr8 guy', 'nice guy'...and about a million variations of these. I guess the rationale is "She'll overlook my hideous appearance and inability to use spell check when she sees my user ID says I'm a great guy!"
But that's the problem with these so called 'great guys': nothing in their written profile ever indicates greatness. Well, aside from the standard opening line in their summary: "My friends and family all say I'm a great guy."
Let's be honest here...if you were really that great, you would have already been snatched up by an equally great woman and you would be living out the American dream. You know, the dream that includes 2.5 kids, no savings, maxed out credit cards, a mortgage that's under water and a dried up line of credit tied to said mortgage.
You're not selling yourself with that user ID...in fact, "Gr8_Guy_4U", you're selling yourself short with it. If you're really a decent guy prove it in a meaningful way: write a great summary of who you are, what you like, and what you're looking for.
If the only thing that makes you great is your user ID and some generic testimonial attributed to friends and family...well, you best sign up for the extended plan at Match.com because that simply is not going to work. On a great gal like me, anyway.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
I was "Justin Beaver" last night!
The 4 guys who make up my team and I were at our usual lunch place in Manhattan (Lenny's, 9th and 43rd). The guys are all older than I am, married, with 9 kids among them ranging in age from 16 months to 16 years. So I figured one of them would be able to answer my question:
Who's Justin Beaver?
I should have known by the way one of my colleagues reacted that I best drop my line of questioning...but I didn't get it. Yet. But I would get it later and the pain still lingers as I type these words.
My colleague, someone I consider a dear friend who tells it like it is with no BS and who has a filthier mind and mouth than yours truly, practically has an aneurysm. I can see him starting to lose his sh!t, I can see he is just barely clinging to the edges of his sanity and that he is bursting with a joke so vile, yet so funny (to him) that he can hardly contain himself. And that only the presence of our boss, a 50-something executive seated between us, is keeping him from saying what he is clearly dying to say.
But I ignored him, I ignored what I thought was his childish reaction to my use of the word "beaver" and its somewhat ridiculous association with a vagina. I ignore the looks and the snickering passing among the 3 guys at the far end of the table and I blazed ahead:
Yeah, Justin Beaver. I keep hearing ads on the radio to meet Justin Beaver and I thought maybe you guys with kids would know about Justin Beaver. I think Justin Beaver is a musician, or maybe an actor. It seems like teenagers are all about Justin Beaver...any thoughts? Anyone know Justin Beaver?
The awkwardness at the table was becoming physical. Even I was squirming now, but not from repressed laughter. No one could swallow their food because chewing the same mouthful was all that was keeping them from either saying something they would regret or breaking down in hysterical laughter. And I still didn't get it. Is "beaver" really that ridiculous of a word? It's a legititmate last name, I once knew a guy from the U.K. whose last name was Beavor. "Seriously," I'm thinking. "Grow up."
I even go so far as to google Justin Beaver on my iPhone...and sadly, no hits. I look like a lunatic.
So I drop Justin Beaver. And I'm annoyed at their reaction: WTF, we can't use the word beaver anymore? What if it were in reference to woodland creatures? You know, the dam builders?
Lunch goes on, only marginally less awkward now that I'm not asking "who's Justin Beaver?" And so Justin Beaver is forgotten...until we leave lunch and are walking back to the office. My colleague whose head nearly blew up from trying to contain his hysteria pulls me aside and says "Do you WANT to get me fired?"
"I swear, there's an ad on the radio...!!!"
"Yeah, well it was all I could do to NOT say 'I was just in beaver last night!'"
Oh. My. God.
I thought it was the "beaver" part they were laughing at. No - it was the Simpsons' style phone prank name innuendo: JUST IN BEAVER. I was mortified. This was no Amanda Huginkiss, this wasn't Oliver Clothesoff...no, this was Justin Beaver. And I must have said "Who's Justin Beaver" about 50 times over the course of that lunch, completely oblivious to what my colleagues were hearing. No wonder that was so uncomfortable and awkward.
But I still could not let it go. I did not make this person up: Justin Beaver exists, even if his name is ridiculous. Back at the office I google "Justin Beaver" and "musician"...and I get a hit:
Justin Bieber.
A shaggy-haired 15 year old Canadian singing sensation with an enormous teen following. He will soon be performing in the area and the radio stations are lining up plenty of "beaver" to lust after him in person. Bieber. With a B, not V.
Of course I send an email to the guys with a link to his MTV fan page to prove I am not insane (just deaf) and to cover my ass in the eventual HR intervention relating to Beavergate.
My boss responds to the email "Still haven't heard of him."
And so "Who's just in beaver?" goes down in history. But hopefully not in my annual performance review.
Who's Justin Beaver?
I should have known by the way one of my colleagues reacted that I best drop my line of questioning...but I didn't get it. Yet. But I would get it later and the pain still lingers as I type these words.
My colleague, someone I consider a dear friend who tells it like it is with no BS and who has a filthier mind and mouth than yours truly, practically has an aneurysm. I can see him starting to lose his sh!t, I can see he is just barely clinging to the edges of his sanity and that he is bursting with a joke so vile, yet so funny (to him) that he can hardly contain himself. And that only the presence of our boss, a 50-something executive seated between us, is keeping him from saying what he is clearly dying to say.
But I ignored him, I ignored what I thought was his childish reaction to my use of the word "beaver" and its somewhat ridiculous association with a vagina. I ignore the looks and the snickering passing among the 3 guys at the far end of the table and I blazed ahead:
Yeah, Justin Beaver. I keep hearing ads on the radio to meet Justin Beaver and I thought maybe you guys with kids would know about Justin Beaver. I think Justin Beaver is a musician, or maybe an actor. It seems like teenagers are all about Justin Beaver...any thoughts? Anyone know Justin Beaver?
The awkwardness at the table was becoming physical. Even I was squirming now, but not from repressed laughter. No one could swallow their food because chewing the same mouthful was all that was keeping them from either saying something they would regret or breaking down in hysterical laughter. And I still didn't get it. Is "beaver" really that ridiculous of a word? It's a legititmate last name, I once knew a guy from the U.K. whose last name was Beavor. "Seriously," I'm thinking. "Grow up."
I even go so far as to google Justin Beaver on my iPhone...and sadly, no hits. I look like a lunatic.
So I drop Justin Beaver. And I'm annoyed at their reaction: WTF, we can't use the word beaver anymore? What if it were in reference to woodland creatures? You know, the dam builders?
Lunch goes on, only marginally less awkward now that I'm not asking "who's Justin Beaver?" And so Justin Beaver is forgotten...until we leave lunch and are walking back to the office. My colleague whose head nearly blew up from trying to contain his hysteria pulls me aside and says "Do you WANT to get me fired?"
"I swear, there's an ad on the radio...!!!"
"Yeah, well it was all I could do to NOT say 'I was just in beaver last night!'"
Oh. My. God.
I thought it was the "beaver" part they were laughing at. No - it was the Simpsons' style phone prank name innuendo: JUST IN BEAVER. I was mortified. This was no Amanda Huginkiss, this wasn't Oliver Clothesoff...no, this was Justin Beaver. And I must have said "Who's Justin Beaver" about 50 times over the course of that lunch, completely oblivious to what my colleagues were hearing. No wonder that was so uncomfortable and awkward.
But I still could not let it go. I did not make this person up: Justin Beaver exists, even if his name is ridiculous. Back at the office I google "Justin Beaver" and "musician"...and I get a hit:
Justin Bieber.
A shaggy-haired 15 year old Canadian singing sensation with an enormous teen following. He will soon be performing in the area and the radio stations are lining up plenty of "beaver" to lust after him in person. Bieber. With a B, not V.
Of course I send an email to the guys with a link to his MTV fan page to prove I am not insane (just deaf) and to cover my ass in the eventual HR intervention relating to Beavergate.
My boss responds to the email "Still haven't heard of him."
And so "Who's just in beaver?" goes down in history. But hopefully not in my annual performance review.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Robo-Date
Another Match.com date last night. His profile was interesting, his emails were humorous and not completely self-indulgent: i.e., he did not say "I have a boat and a jet ski and a borrowed race car, you will like me because of all that, right?" He's an engineer, but as previously discussed that's typical of Match. His pics indicated he was from a lower "caste" than yours truly, but hoping he was just unphotogenic I accepted the date. His looks weren't my biggest concern, I was hopeful that his wit and personality on email would translate to his in-person personality.
{side note: when i first typed "translate" above I did some spastic typing and translate came out as "strangler"...}
I knew from his profile that he's a casual guy: most of his pics were of him camping and drinking beer with other dudes. But for our first date he showed up in jeans, a t-shirt and a zip-up hoodie. Very casual indeed. No golf shirt, no button down, a t-shirt. And not a crisp pocket T...no, a worn in (and likely comfy) faded navy blue t-shirt, similar to the ones I occasionally wear to the gym or while scrubbing the bathtub at home. He either has serious 5 o'clock shadow or he hadn't shaved for a few days.
He was skinny: the kind of thin frame that an über nerd would have, compounded by his love of running and cycling. Bad hair: short, dark and wiry, no product used or any attempt to style his Super-Cuts $14.95 special. He wasn't totally unattractive, but certainly no heart-throb either. On the bright side he did have straight teeth.
The voices in my head were laughing and shouting at me "You should have trusted the photos. TRUST THE PHOTOS!!!"
Shut up, brain! He could be a really great guy.
Well, to summarize the 2 hour meet-and-greet session...he wasn't great. He was rather immature for a 36 year old. Everything was "Awesome!" Enthusiasm is good, but this had the feel of a conversation with a 10 year old. He dropped many F-bombs. Many. He referred to several people as "fags." Completely inappropriate when you don't know the person you are speaking with...and it just indicated to me he could not be left unattended in mixed company. [I have a policy against babysitting adults.]
The 10 year old personality manifested itself further when I asked about his work. As a software engineer he once worked at a robotics firm...and with great passion he described the practical implications of robots in military, health care and commercial use. Then he said "There's a video of the robot I built on YouTube, look it up on your iPhone!!!" So I looked up the video...and we watched the entire 3:26 segment as as he described his contributions to the project and the contributions of all the other nerds and fags. He also referred to a radar-blocking program he worked on for a military contract as "gay-dar blocking."
Dude...I don't even know you and you're comments are a bit offensive for us being strangers and in a crowded bar. There was no doubt in my mind: his wit and personality on email did not translate to his in-person personality. No, his in-person personality strangled any wit to death and was survived by off-color humor.
I managed to get out of there without spending any money or with any physical contact beside a handshake. Now I'm contemplating what to email to Robo-Date. My feeling is that his efforts are best spent constructing himself a Fem-bot with advanced gay-dar to keep the f-ing fags away....
{side note: when i first typed "translate" above I did some spastic typing and translate came out as "strangler"...}
I knew from his profile that he's a casual guy: most of his pics were of him camping and drinking beer with other dudes. But for our first date he showed up in jeans, a t-shirt and a zip-up hoodie. Very casual indeed. No golf shirt, no button down, a t-shirt. And not a crisp pocket T...no, a worn in (and likely comfy) faded navy blue t-shirt, similar to the ones I occasionally wear to the gym or while scrubbing the bathtub at home. He either has serious 5 o'clock shadow or he hadn't shaved for a few days.
He was skinny: the kind of thin frame that an über nerd would have, compounded by his love of running and cycling. Bad hair: short, dark and wiry, no product used or any attempt to style his Super-Cuts $14.95 special. He wasn't totally unattractive, but certainly no heart-throb either. On the bright side he did have straight teeth.
The voices in my head were laughing and shouting at me "You should have trusted the photos. TRUST THE PHOTOS!!!"
Shut up, brain! He could be a really great guy.
Well, to summarize the 2 hour meet-and-greet session...he wasn't great. He was rather immature for a 36 year old. Everything was "Awesome!" Enthusiasm is good, but this had the feel of a conversation with a 10 year old. He dropped many F-bombs. Many. He referred to several people as "fags." Completely inappropriate when you don't know the person you are speaking with...and it just indicated to me he could not be left unattended in mixed company. [I have a policy against babysitting adults.]
The 10 year old personality manifested itself further when I asked about his work. As a software engineer he once worked at a robotics firm...and with great passion he described the practical implications of robots in military, health care and commercial use. Then he said "There's a video of the robot I built on YouTube, look it up on your iPhone!!!" So I looked up the video...and we watched the entire 3:26 segment as as he described his contributions to the project and the contributions of all the other nerds and fags. He also referred to a radar-blocking program he worked on for a military contract as "gay-dar blocking."
Dude...I don't even know you and you're comments are a bit offensive for us being strangers and in a crowded bar. There was no doubt in my mind: his wit and personality on email did not translate to his in-person personality. No, his in-person personality strangled any wit to death and was survived by off-color humor.
I managed to get out of there without spending any money or with any physical contact beside a handshake. Now I'm contemplating what to email to Robo-Date. My feeling is that his efforts are best spent constructing himself a Fem-bot with advanced gay-dar to keep the f-ing fags away....
Study Break
I'm supposed to be studying. I’m taking a (voluntary) finance certification exam. I’d ditch it were it not for the $1000 of my own money paying for the test.
And yet, despite the substantial amount of skin I have in the game I cannot seem to focus. Every time I sit down with the books I come up with something far more interesting to do.
The problem is when I study I suddenly become a huge procrastinator. Usually I don’t put off anything, but once there’s a pile of materials in front of me that needs learning/memorizing I unexpectedly have ALL the time in the world for special projects.
Allow me to break down a typical study session:
10:00 AM
Sit down with books.
10:03 AM
Pick at cuticles.
10:05 AM
Oh my god - the floors haven’t been scrubbed in a while. I better get on that!
[Side note: I’m a single female lives alone and does not wear shoes in the house. You could eat off my floors prior to any scrubbing.]
10:45 AM
Sit down with books. Got to focus!
11:07 AM
(Fiddling with hair) Oh look, a split end! I better grab some scissors and inspect every single strand on my head and snip off all offenders.
(As I'm snipping away I notice....) Ew, a knuckle hair. I'll show you. I'll go tweeze it.
11:08 AM
(In the bathroom)
See ya later, knuckle hair! Let me inspect my eyebrows…Well there are more than a few stragglers here.
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Any other stray hairs? Hmm, you better find some or you'll have to study again....
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Crap, definitely should not have tweezed that one. I better try and even these out.
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Oh sh!t…definitely need to put the tweezers down or there will be none left. Ok, back to the books. Actually, I should brush and floss again…
11:20 AM
Back with the books. Focus!
11:32 AM
Gee, this button is loose on the old tatty shirt I'm wearing that I never leave the house in....I better mend this shirt with its armpit stains that’s really nothing more than a rag at this point…
And so it goes. I have filled entire days with meaningless distractions simply to avoid studying. In fact, if you look at my blog entries you will notice they have increased in frequency as the test date has creeped closer and closer. But I'm also not one who enjoys admitting defeat so I'll probably buckle down at the 11th hour and focus...while all the cleaning and snippering and plucking and mending pile up.
And yet, despite the substantial amount of skin I have in the game I cannot seem to focus. Every time I sit down with the books I come up with something far more interesting to do.
The problem is when I study I suddenly become a huge procrastinator. Usually I don’t put off anything, but once there’s a pile of materials in front of me that needs learning/memorizing I unexpectedly have ALL the time in the world for special projects.
Allow me to break down a typical study session:
10:00 AM
Sit down with books.
10:03 AM
Pick at cuticles.
10:05 AM
Oh my god - the floors haven’t been scrubbed in a while. I better get on that!
[Side note: I’m a single female lives alone and does not wear shoes in the house. You could eat off my floors prior to any scrubbing.]
10:45 AM
Sit down with books. Got to focus!
11:07 AM
(Fiddling with hair) Oh look, a split end! I better grab some scissors and inspect every single strand on my head and snip off all offenders.
(As I'm snipping away I notice....) Ew, a knuckle hair. I'll show you. I'll go tweeze it.
11:08 AM
(In the bathroom)
See ya later, knuckle hair! Let me inspect my eyebrows…Well there are more than a few stragglers here.
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Any other stray hairs? Hmm, you better find some or you'll have to study again....
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Crap, definitely should not have tweezed that one. I better try and even these out.
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Oh sh!t…definitely need to put the tweezers down or there will be none left. Ok, back to the books. Actually, I should brush and floss again…
11:20 AM
Back with the books. Focus!
11:32 AM
Gee, this button is loose on the old tatty shirt I'm wearing that I never leave the house in....I better mend this shirt with its armpit stains that’s really nothing more than a rag at this point…
And so it goes. I have filled entire days with meaningless distractions simply to avoid studying. In fact, if you look at my blog entries you will notice they have increased in frequency as the test date has creeped closer and closer. But I'm also not one who enjoys admitting defeat so I'll probably buckle down at the 11th hour and focus...while all the cleaning and snippering and plucking and mending pile up.
Cat-sitting
One of the advantages of moving away from home is you escape the obligations of "payback" to your parents. You are not responsible for fixing their computer, picking mom up off the floor after she's fallen and can't get up, or watching your childhood pet while your parents are out of town. My brother has not yet realized that moving away would eliminate a myriad of hassles for him.
Key Players/Playas
Brother: My bro, who lives close to my parents.
Rentals: Ma and Pa, who were driving out to Ohio for a relative visit (hence the stop in Erie, PA).
Orange/Orange Cat/Okie: Our childhood cat (an orange tabby cat who never got named) that is the bane of my parents' (and here, my brother's) existence.
Tootsie: Uncle Tootsie is our mother's demented brother. He will be the subject of future postings.
Sophie and Alberta: Two wacky old women who lived a few houses down from our parents. Our mom always insisted they were just roommates and not lesbians. They had a really creepy house and yard.
Conky, Folks and Ear/Air: My bro's imaginary friends from childhood.
Pete: A neighborhood kid.
Shows: Rock concerts that my bro attends.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Friday, August 11, 2006 9:00 AM
To: Brother
Subject: The rentals are in Erie, PA
No problems so far, mom only pooped in her pants twice. Just kidding, there was no mention of any soilings. Yet.
Mike, mom and dad forgot to mention that Orange gets a tiny little taste of wet cat food every day, so if he seems especially out of sorts just give the fat pig a smidgen of wet food and that might shut him up. Otherwise, just pick him up and give him some lovin', then he'll run and hide for days.
------Original Message------
From: Brother
To: Me
Sent: Aug 11, 2006 9:06 AM
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
He hid upstairs all last night. My laundry took a few hours so I crashed there for the night. And drank all the beer (3 of them.) Orange was crying at the bottom of the stairs so I let him out before he got breakfast. If he's not there when I get home I guess he'll be spending the weekend outside.
He puked in the upstairs hallway last night and I stepped in it. I'm looking up recipes for cat stew.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 3:51 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
How did the weekend go with "Okie"? Remember when mom tried to get everyone to call him that and the only one who did was Tootsie?
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2006 15:53:07
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Orange Cat has been in hiding. I let him out on Friday because he wouldn't stop crying and whenever I go back to let him in he runs away. Today I'm just going to leave the back door open for a while.
I really hate him.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 3:57 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Oh man, you have at least seen him, right? I think that's why mom and dad said not to let him out - because he's cantankerous.
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2006 16:02:28
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Yeah, I've seen him. And he is a brat. But he was also puking around the house so I figured it was only going to get worse if he didn't get out.
I'm gonna leave food out for him.
How I hate him.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 4:13 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Wait...he's been gone since Friday morning and you haven't put food out for him yet?
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:12:52
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
So he kept coming back and eating food and then running away when I'd go to let him in. He hangs out in Sophie and Alberta's yard all day. I have Pete checking every few hours to see if he wants to be let in...
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 8:43 AM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Who is Pete?
Maybe Orange is afraid of Conky, Folks and Ear.
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:45:49
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
It was Air, not Ear!
Pete's a neighborhood kid, lives in that yellow house next to Crawford's old house. I met him through shows first and then found out he lived a few houses down. He helped me move some stuff out and mom kept trying to give him old clothes and Snapple.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 8:56 AM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
That's funny. It's raining here, I hope Okie isn't getting wet or he'll be even crankier!
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, Aug 15, 2006 at 9:01 AM
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
To: Me
Well if he's smart he'll be there when Pete goes on patrol or when I swing by after work. I gave him 5 hours last night... He's not getting nearly as much tonight.
Key Players/Playas
Brother: My bro, who lives close to my parents.
Rentals: Ma and Pa, who were driving out to Ohio for a relative visit (hence the stop in Erie, PA).
Orange/Orange Cat/Okie: Our childhood cat (an orange tabby cat who never got named) that is the bane of my parents' (and here, my brother's) existence.
Tootsie: Uncle Tootsie is our mother's demented brother. He will be the subject of future postings.
Sophie and Alberta: Two wacky old women who lived a few houses down from our parents. Our mom always insisted they were just roommates and not lesbians. They had a really creepy house and yard.
Conky, Folks and Ear/Air: My bro's imaginary friends from childhood.
Pete: A neighborhood kid.
Shows: Rock concerts that my bro attends.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Friday, August 11, 2006 9:00 AM
To: Brother
Subject: The rentals are in Erie, PA
No problems so far, mom only pooped in her pants twice. Just kidding, there was no mention of any soilings. Yet.
Mike, mom and dad forgot to mention that Orange gets a tiny little taste of wet cat food every day, so if he seems especially out of sorts just give the fat pig a smidgen of wet food and that might shut him up. Otherwise, just pick him up and give him some lovin', then he'll run and hide for days.
------Original Message------
From: Brother
To: Me
Sent: Aug 11, 2006 9:06 AM
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
He hid upstairs all last night. My laundry took a few hours so I crashed there for the night. And drank all the beer (3 of them.) Orange was crying at the bottom of the stairs so I let him out before he got breakfast. If he's not there when I get home I guess he'll be spending the weekend outside.
He puked in the upstairs hallway last night and I stepped in it. I'm looking up recipes for cat stew.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 3:51 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
How did the weekend go with "Okie"? Remember when mom tried to get everyone to call him that and the only one who did was Tootsie?
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2006 15:53:07
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Orange Cat has been in hiding. I let him out on Friday because he wouldn't stop crying and whenever I go back to let him in he runs away. Today I'm just going to leave the back door open for a while.
I really hate him.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 3:57 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Oh man, you have at least seen him, right? I think that's why mom and dad said not to let him out - because he's cantankerous.
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2006 16:02:28
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Yeah, I've seen him. And he is a brat. But he was also puking around the house so I figured it was only going to get worse if he didn't get out.
I'm gonna leave food out for him.
How I hate him.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 4:13 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Wait...he's been gone since Friday morning and you haven't put food out for him yet?
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:12:52
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
So he kept coming back and eating food and then running away when I'd go to let him in. He hangs out in Sophie and Alberta's yard all day. I have Pete checking every few hours to see if he wants to be let in...
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 8:43 AM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Who is Pete?
Maybe Orange is afraid of Conky, Folks and Ear.
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:45:49
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
It was Air, not Ear!
Pete's a neighborhood kid, lives in that yellow house next to Crawford's old house. I met him through shows first and then found out he lived a few houses down. He helped me move some stuff out and mom kept trying to give him old clothes and Snapple.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 8:56 AM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
That's funny. It's raining here, I hope Okie isn't getting wet or he'll be even crankier!
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, Aug 15, 2006 at 9:01 AM
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
To: Me
Well if he's smart he'll be there when Pete goes on patrol or when I swing by after work. I gave him 5 hours last night... He's not getting nearly as much tonight.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Suggested improvements for Match.com
This list is a work in progress...
-Scanned photos should not be allowed. If you don't have any acceptable digital photos of yourself...then your problems won't be solved on Match.com.
-No self portraits! That includes photos taken in mirrors, in sparsely furnished bedrooms, or any photo taken with your mobile phone's camera. And really, must you include pictures with your top off?
-Members should be grouped based on their attractiveness. I know this sounds harsh, but let's be honest here: many of the men who have reached out to me simply don't have a chance. I suggest some form of tiering (more like triage!!!) where you are not allowed to seek dates from members above your designated caste. (But by all means, aim lower.)
-All profiles are supposedly screened for content by the Match.com referees. How about screening for egregious spelling and grammar mistakes? Also, please include the spell check option in the Match.com email system.
-Include a translator....an honesty overlay, if you will. This would be used to translate what was written in one's profile to what the prospect actually means. Do you really like to travel...or is driving 2 hours to Giants stadium and tailgating all day your idea of a weekend getaway?
-Remove the "online now" feature. I don't want anyone to know I am looking at my account at 10 PM on a Saturday. (Really, I was just home b/c I was studying!)
-Drinking criteria: what if I drink more than socially but less than an alcoholic?
-Messed up teeth should be listed, just as smoker/non-smoker is. Invisalign should run ads down the side of the page.
-Age screens: this goes back to the beauty tiering/caste system. If I say I'm looking for someone between the ages of 30-39...please don't write me when you're 53, you look like you're 70, and your profile specifies you are seeking someone between the ages of 40-55. It just reeks of desperation.
-Speaking of age: don't put that you're looking for someone ages 20 to 49. Come on, be a little more discriminating than that. "I'll take anyone. ANYONE!!!!"
-What's the deal with all the teachers? You're all the same: moderately unattractive, teach social studies, and post pictures of yourself:
a. in exotic locales
b. as a groomsman in someone's wedding party
c. in groups of equally unattractive people, and NEVER with a drink in hand
You do, however, get extra credit because you can spell and abide by grammar rules.
-Body type: could you be any more vague, Match.com? Am I slender? Or about average? Am I athletic and toned? Does athletic and toned mean I'm beefy? Sissy told me she originally said "about average" and changed to "slender" and got a lot more hits. I noticed a lot of guys say "about average" and then I look at their pictures and think to myself "Hello, husky!"
To be continued...
-Scanned photos should not be allowed. If you don't have any acceptable digital photos of yourself...then your problems won't be solved on Match.com.
-No self portraits! That includes photos taken in mirrors, in sparsely furnished bedrooms, or any photo taken with your mobile phone's camera. And really, must you include pictures with your top off?
-Members should be grouped based on their attractiveness. I know this sounds harsh, but let's be honest here: many of the men who have reached out to me simply don't have a chance. I suggest some form of tiering (more like triage!!!) where you are not allowed to seek dates from members above your designated caste. (But by all means, aim lower.)
-All profiles are supposedly screened for content by the Match.com referees. How about screening for egregious spelling and grammar mistakes? Also, please include the spell check option in the Match.com email system.
-Include a translator....an honesty overlay, if you will. This would be used to translate what was written in one's profile to what the prospect actually means. Do you really like to travel...or is driving 2 hours to Giants stadium and tailgating all day your idea of a weekend getaway?
-Remove the "online now" feature. I don't want anyone to know I am looking at my account at 10 PM on a Saturday. (Really, I was just home b/c I was studying!)
-Drinking criteria: what if I drink more than socially but less than an alcoholic?
-Messed up teeth should be listed, just as smoker/non-smoker is. Invisalign should run ads down the side of the page.
-Age screens: this goes back to the beauty tiering/caste system. If I say I'm looking for someone between the ages of 30-39...please don't write me when you're 53, you look like you're 70, and your profile specifies you are seeking someone between the ages of 40-55. It just reeks of desperation.
-Speaking of age: don't put that you're looking for someone ages 20 to 49. Come on, be a little more discriminating than that. "I'll take anyone. ANYONE!!!!"
-What's the deal with all the teachers? You're all the same: moderately unattractive, teach social studies, and post pictures of yourself:
a. in exotic locales
b. as a groomsman in someone's wedding party
c. in groups of equally unattractive people, and NEVER with a drink in hand
You do, however, get extra credit because you can spell and abide by grammar rules.
-Body type: could you be any more vague, Match.com? Am I slender? Or about average? Am I athletic and toned? Does athletic and toned mean I'm beefy? Sissy told me she originally said "about average" and changed to "slender" and got a lot more hits. I noticed a lot of guys say "about average" and then I look at their pictures and think to myself "Hello, husky!"
To be continued...
September 31st
I was just on a call discussing the upcoming quarter-end and as I was speaking I looked at my desk calendar at the last day of the month: Thursday, September 31st.
Wait...September 31st?
I paused a moment and ran through the rhyme "30 days has September, April, June and November..."
Yes, there in a black-lined square of my glossy print corporate-issued calendar (which has most certainly been sent out to thousands of clients and prospects) was September 31st.
So next Thursday as you go about your ordinary lives on what I hope will be a sunny, warm Fall-like October 1st...I'll be stepping into the worm hole that is September 31st.
I'm excited for the prospects this bonus day holds, my own personal leap year. I should spend the day studying (I know, who else is sick of my complaining about that). Or maybe I'll take Offshore Dave up on his offer for a boat ride. Or maybe I'll start my Christmas shopping that day!
But the reality is October 1st coincidentally falls on the same day (Thursday) as September 31st...making next week an 8-day week. I would much rather have two Saturdays than a sixth weekday, but a bonus day is always good and I'm looking forward to the adventures the day holds!
Wait...September 31st?
I paused a moment and ran through the rhyme "30 days has September, April, June and November..."
Yes, there in a black-lined square of my glossy print corporate-issued calendar (which has most certainly been sent out to thousands of clients and prospects) was September 31st.
So next Thursday as you go about your ordinary lives on what I hope will be a sunny, warm Fall-like October 1st...I'll be stepping into the worm hole that is September 31st.
I'm excited for the prospects this bonus day holds, my own personal leap year. I should spend the day studying (I know, who else is sick of my complaining about that). Or maybe I'll take Offshore Dave up on his offer for a boat ride. Or maybe I'll start my Christmas shopping that day!
But the reality is October 1st coincidentally falls on the same day (Thursday) as September 31st...making next week an 8-day week. I would much rather have two Saturdays than a sixth weekday, but a bonus day is always good and I'm looking forward to the adventures the day holds!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Junior Mints vs. Thin Mints
What adult woman shops in the junior’s department? Sometimes it’s a mom shopping for her pre-teen or teenage daughter. Sometimes it’s a tiny woman who can only fit in junior-sized clothing. Sometimes it’s a hip and stylish woman, looking for the latest trend in print t-shirts. [Ed Hardy, go away already!!] And sometimes it’s an adult woman…shopping for a bra that may actually fit her.
Despite what Judy Bloom instilled in all our minds 20 years ago, “We must, we must, we must increase our bust” did not work for some of us the way it did for Margaret. Some of us managed to grow into adults without moving into a full cup size. And no, that’s not “I’m a big B, nearly a C.” Sadly, some of us remain entrenched in the AA camp.
I’ve never worn a shirt with darts that fit correctly. Or a dress that was not baggy on top. Or a bikini top where I did not have to pray it would stay down versus riding up over my “mosquito bites.” I have always worried more that my broad shoulders will fit into a blouse than an ample bosom. Recently, as a bridesmaid in a wedding I wore 2 strapless bras to fill out the fitted top of the halter-neck dress. Diamonds can go to hell: my chicken cutlets and my (soon-to-be-retired) Nubra are my real best friends.
On the bright side: I’ve always jogged comfortably. I sleep flat on my stomach. J Crew shelf bra tanks are more than enough support. Men address me to my face, not to my chest. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like something was missing. I got hips, why not tits?
Recently I was at a party and my friend Samantha’s button up shirt was gaping. “Samantha,” I said jokingly, “You’re being indecent.” Her boyfriend was nearby and happily invited himself into our conversation. “Samantha has nothing up top,” he informed me. “Don’t talk to me about nothing on top,” I said. “All I’ve got is Junior Mints.”
He took one look at me and said “No, Samantha has Junior Mints. You…you’ve got Thin Mints.”
And the rest is history.
Despite what Judy Bloom instilled in all our minds 20 years ago, “We must, we must, we must increase our bust” did not work for some of us the way it did for Margaret. Some of us managed to grow into adults without moving into a full cup size. And no, that’s not “I’m a big B, nearly a C.” Sadly, some of us remain entrenched in the AA camp.
I’ve never worn a shirt with darts that fit correctly. Or a dress that was not baggy on top. Or a bikini top where I did not have to pray it would stay down versus riding up over my “mosquito bites.” I have always worried more that my broad shoulders will fit into a blouse than an ample bosom. Recently, as a bridesmaid in a wedding I wore 2 strapless bras to fill out the fitted top of the halter-neck dress. Diamonds can go to hell: my chicken cutlets and my (soon-to-be-retired) Nubra are my real best friends.
On the bright side: I’ve always jogged comfortably. I sleep flat on my stomach. J Crew shelf bra tanks are more than enough support. Men address me to my face, not to my chest. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like something was missing. I got hips, why not tits?
Recently I was at a party and my friend Samantha’s button up shirt was gaping. “Samantha,” I said jokingly, “You’re being indecent.” Her boyfriend was nearby and happily invited himself into our conversation. “Samantha has nothing up top,” he informed me. “Don’t talk to me about nothing on top,” I said. “All I’ve got is Junior Mints.”
He took one look at me and said “No, Samantha has Junior Mints. You…you’ve got Thin Mints.”
And the rest is history.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Someone needs to gaff Offshore Dave
In case I haven't made it clear: it's not going to be me. Apparently my non-response has made him impatient as he felt compelled to email me again. [No, I haven't logged in to Match since he first emailed me. Yes, you can see when someone has last logged in.]
Sorry, offshoredave, as much as I'm sure you'd love to have my arms wrapped around your waist as we zip around on your jetski outside your waterfront condo...IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. But thanks for checking in!
From: offshoredave
Date Received: September 14
Subject: just wanted to say hows it going?
Just checking in
Sorry, offshoredave, as much as I'm sure you'd love to have my arms wrapped around your waist as we zip around on your jetski outside your waterfront condo...IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. But thanks for checking in!
From: offshoredave
Date Received: September 14
Subject: just wanted to say hows it going?
Just checking in
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Catch of the day: Offshore Dave!
Okay ladies, if it doesn't work out between me and "offshoredave" the rest of you out there can fight over him. Allow me to highlight a few of his finer qualities...
-I am not to much into sports Ill watch but I am not one of those guys that yell at the tv
-I live in a water front condo
-I have a small fishing boat at the beach and a jet ski
-I also have a 22 ft larson that is tottly inclosed with clear plastic to extend the boating season and set up for over night trips. I want to take you on over night trips to new places
-I am starting to drive his race car. 700 hp nice
He's a total free spirit - spelling and grammar rules can't keep this guy down! And he's so adventurous: the boats, the race car, overnight trips to new places...it's like an instant orgasm!
So after he takes me away on his boat for an overnight trip to Rapesville and subsequently kills me and uses my corpse as chum...well, line up girls so you, too, can have a go at such an incredible catch. Please note, however, he's not into "club" girls so you clubbers may want to step out of line now.
From: offshoredave
Date received: September 12, 2009
Subject: I own a boat repair shop lets talk
The second I read your profile I said I need to get to know you so you arent into clubing thank god for that!!! every one of your interest are mine except I am not to much into sports Ill watch but I am not one of those guys that yell at the tv your sense of humor is most likely like mine. Well I am very interested in you. I live in a water front condo and I have a small fishing boat at the beach and a jet ski the blues and bass are in I would love to take you some time I also have a 22 ft larson that is tottly inclosed with clear plastic to extend the boating season and set up for over night trips. I want to take you on over night trips to new places we can trailer it to the cape or florida I also have a 40 ft boat I can use its not mine I am starting to drive his race car. 700 hp nice well any way I hope you want to give me a shot I am a great guy looking for a great woman.
-I am not to much into sports Ill watch but I am not one of those guys that yell at the tv
-I live in a water front condo
-I have a small fishing boat at the beach and a jet ski
-I also have a 22 ft larson that is tottly inclosed with clear plastic to extend the boating season and set up for over night trips. I want to take you on over night trips to new places
-I am starting to drive his race car. 700 hp nice
He's a total free spirit - spelling and grammar rules can't keep this guy down! And he's so adventurous: the boats, the race car, overnight trips to new places...it's like an instant orgasm!
So after he takes me away on his boat for an overnight trip to Rapesville and subsequently kills me and uses my corpse as chum...well, line up girls so you, too, can have a go at such an incredible catch. Please note, however, he's not into "club" girls so you clubbers may want to step out of line now.
From: offshoredave
Date received: September 12, 2009
Subject: I own a boat repair shop lets talk
The second I read your profile I said I need to get to know you so you arent into clubing thank god for that!!! every one of your interest are mine except I am not to much into sports Ill watch but I am not one of those guys that yell at the tv your sense of humor is most likely like mine. Well I am very interested in you. I live in a water front condo and I have a small fishing boat at the beach and a jet ski the blues and bass are in I would love to take you some time I also have a 22 ft larson that is tottly inclosed with clear plastic to extend the boating season and set up for over night trips. I want to take you on over night trips to new places we can trailer it to the cape or florida I also have a 40 ft boat I can use its not mine I am starting to drive his race car. 700 hp nice well any way I hope you want to give me a shot I am a great guy looking for a great woman.
Friday, September 11, 2009
[insert eye roll here]
This was odd. My colleague needed a new mouse and the I.T. guy stopped by to deliver it for him. Mr I.T. (whom I do not actually know his name) started to chat with me and being the super nice person that I am, I indulged him despite my workload and disinterest. We talked about his Blackberry Storm and the adjustment it takes to go from a keyboard to touch screen and the crappy battery life blah blah blah. A total "nerd person" convo - completely tech related.
So imagine my surprise when he throws out there "Oh, so you live in N------*."
*I removed the name of my town to protect my privacy, of which I seem to have none.
Not a question: a statement.
It was an odd statement, because at no point have I ever had a conversation with this person about where I live. In fact, we have never had a conversation previously other than a smile and hello in passing. And it was even more odd that he would just throw it out there.
I paused, feeling uncomfortable, and slowly said "Uh, yeah...." I figured he would get to the point...like the girl who cleans the restrooms in my office did when when she stopped me one day and said "You live in N------, right? I work at the Dunkin' Donuts and I always see you running by!"
But no, Mr I.T. seemed to have no reason for this knowledge, and seemed oblivious to the inappropriate nature of the question. He followed up with "How long you live there for?"
Now I finally got smart and I said "Oh, WE have lived there for a while. Ok, so I'll let my colleague know you brought the mouse by." And I turned away from him and back to my computer.
I.T. staffers are generally socially awkward and harmless...but this felt extra creepy. Is he a hacker, scouring the company databases for home addresses? [Maybe he hacked into my Blackberry and sent the "not feeling it" email to Bad Date!]
For now the mystery remains. N----- is a big place so I'm going to hope he has seen me around town running errands and is too socially retarded to understand he should clarify his stalker-esque statements lest he frighten someone.
I was advised by my (male) colleagues I need refine who is worthy of my pleasantries and charm and who deserves to be treated like dirt. I need to go from being sweet and charismatic to an aloof bitch at a moment's notice. The next time Mr I.T. shows up with a mouse I should ignore him, but should he dare ask me where my colleague's desk is located I must sigh and roll my eyes in annoyance at the disruption - put him on guard around a person "like me". I must discourage any discourse, he's not worthy of my time. Make him feel less than human. Once he has left our space, I can return to being "myself."
Are these really skills I want to refine within my character? Do I want to be cruel and manipulative and controlling...am I even capable of it?
So imagine my surprise when he throws out there "Oh, so you live in N------*."
*I removed the name of my town to protect my privacy, of which I seem to have none.
Not a question: a statement.
It was an odd statement, because at no point have I ever had a conversation with this person about where I live. In fact, we have never had a conversation previously other than a smile and hello in passing. And it was even more odd that he would just throw it out there.
I paused, feeling uncomfortable, and slowly said "Uh, yeah...." I figured he would get to the point...like the girl who cleans the restrooms in my office did when when she stopped me one day and said "You live in N------, right? I work at the Dunkin' Donuts and I always see you running by!"
But no, Mr I.T. seemed to have no reason for this knowledge, and seemed oblivious to the inappropriate nature of the question. He followed up with "How long you live there for?"
Now I finally got smart and I said "Oh, WE have lived there for a while. Ok, so I'll let my colleague know you brought the mouse by." And I turned away from him and back to my computer.
I.T. staffers are generally socially awkward and harmless...but this felt extra creepy. Is he a hacker, scouring the company databases for home addresses? [Maybe he hacked into my Blackberry and sent the "not feeling it" email to Bad Date!]
For now the mystery remains. N----- is a big place so I'm going to hope he has seen me around town running errands and is too socially retarded to understand he should clarify his stalker-esque statements lest he frighten someone.
I was advised by my (male) colleagues I need refine who is worthy of my pleasantries and charm and who deserves to be treated like dirt. I need to go from being sweet and charismatic to an aloof bitch at a moment's notice. The next time Mr I.T. shows up with a mouse I should ignore him, but should he dare ask me where my colleague's desk is located I must sigh and roll my eyes in annoyance at the disruption - put him on guard around a person "like me". I must discourage any discourse, he's not worthy of my time. Make him feel less than human. Once he has left our space, I can return to being "myself."
Are these really skills I want to refine within my character? Do I want to be cruel and manipulative and controlling...am I even capable of it?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
This is how it's supposed to go down
I just sent another Bad Date out to pasture. He was a nice guy, but I don't need an unemployed baby-daddy in my life who is living in the glory days of when he "was" an i-banker.
So I sent him my standard 'just not feeling it' email and thankfully he understood. His response was a short and simple "No worries, good luck."
It's so much easier when they get it on the first try!
So I sent him my standard 'just not feeling it' email and thankfully he understood. His response was a short and simple "No worries, good luck."
It's so much easier when they get it on the first try!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
High-Tech Earplugs
Before I got an iPod I used to store music on my Blackberry. I would plug headphones into the phone jack and was good to go…except for the cord connecting the headphones to the Blackberry. (I’m a moderately spastic runner who gets tangled in anything.) Then I got some fancy, high-tech Bluetooth headphones so I could listen to music utilizing the Bluetooth capability in my Blackberry, but without the complications of the cord. I set the whole thing up and tested it at home. The music quality wasn’t great: I had to turn the volume WAY up to hear it. But it was good enough and I went to bed, excited to hit the treadmill the next day.
The next day, a Tuesday, my alarm goes off at 5:30 AM, I hop out of bed and head to the gym to give my new wireless set-up a try. It wasn’t that great: with the noise of my treadmill and the various other machines around me I had the volume MAXED OUT to hear my music. I guess people around me were impressed with my wireless headphones because I got a lot of looks. [Or maybe they were just impressed with my amazing physique and incredible speed on the treadmill.] Anyway, I finished my run and shut the music off, removed the headphones and headed home to start my workday.
On Wednesday I took spin class so my Bluetooth headphones had the day off.
Now it’s Thursday. I wake up at 5:30 and head to the gym. I put the headphones on (Motorola S9 in case you’re wondering) and start the music up. I’m running and running and running and again the music is SO HARD to hear and the sound quality is so poor. The other morning gym patrons (morning gym people are typically regulars and are generally older) are still giving me looks, just like on Tuesday. I step onto the side rails of the treadmill and remove my headphones to see if I can figure out why the music is so faint and sounds so lousy…only to discover that the music was not playing through the headphones at all.
No, the headphones were basically acting as earplugs for me. Oh yes, the music was playing from my Blackberry…in fact, it was BLASTING from the small speaker on the phone.
I was mortified: I could not believe I had been irritating the other gym patrons with the rap, hip hop and dance music that I love to work out to. The looks I had been receiving from my fellow fitness-philes were nothing but disdain. I quickly packed up my belongings and left the gym in shame.
I was still completely horrified when I got to work and I emailed a colleague who I see at the gym every morning. “Hey Wes,” I wrote, “I can’t believe I had my music blasting out loud at the gym, I’m so embarrassed! I had no idea.”
Imagine my shock when he wrote back “I was digging it, loved the Jamiroquai. You didn’t know? It was like that on Tuesday too!”
I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. If you are a morning gym person then you know that prior to 7 AM the gym is a quiet refuge, a calming place to start the day. It is not meat-head guys and girls in sexy gym clothes hanging out and socializing. It’s for the I’m-serious-about-my-workout people who respect the morning gym etiquette. You most certainly do NOT blast rap, hip hop and dance music out of the tinny-sounding speaker on your phone for all to hear.
I took a few days off from the gym after that (self-imposed exile), hoping that the other regulars would forget about my low-tech mishap with my high-tech earplugs. And I got myself an iPod that has no speaker but does have a Bluetooth adapter so now I can run cord-free and shame-free.
The next day, a Tuesday, my alarm goes off at 5:30 AM, I hop out of bed and head to the gym to give my new wireless set-up a try. It wasn’t that great: with the noise of my treadmill and the various other machines around me I had the volume MAXED OUT to hear my music. I guess people around me were impressed with my wireless headphones because I got a lot of looks. [Or maybe they were just impressed with my amazing physique and incredible speed on the treadmill.] Anyway, I finished my run and shut the music off, removed the headphones and headed home to start my workday.
On Wednesday I took spin class so my Bluetooth headphones had the day off.
Now it’s Thursday. I wake up at 5:30 and head to the gym. I put the headphones on (Motorola S9 in case you’re wondering) and start the music up. I’m running and running and running and again the music is SO HARD to hear and the sound quality is so poor. The other morning gym patrons (morning gym people are typically regulars and are generally older) are still giving me looks, just like on Tuesday. I step onto the side rails of the treadmill and remove my headphones to see if I can figure out why the music is so faint and sounds so lousy…only to discover that the music was not playing through the headphones at all.
No, the headphones were basically acting as earplugs for me. Oh yes, the music was playing from my Blackberry…in fact, it was BLASTING from the small speaker on the phone.
I was mortified: I could not believe I had been irritating the other gym patrons with the rap, hip hop and dance music that I love to work out to. The looks I had been receiving from my fellow fitness-philes were nothing but disdain. I quickly packed up my belongings and left the gym in shame.
I was still completely horrified when I got to work and I emailed a colleague who I see at the gym every morning. “Hey Wes,” I wrote, “I can’t believe I had my music blasting out loud at the gym, I’m so embarrassed! I had no idea.”
Imagine my shock when he wrote back “I was digging it, loved the Jamiroquai. You didn’t know? It was like that on Tuesday too!”
I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. If you are a morning gym person then you know that prior to 7 AM the gym is a quiet refuge, a calming place to start the day. It is not meat-head guys and girls in sexy gym clothes hanging out and socializing. It’s for the I’m-serious-about-my-workout people who respect the morning gym etiquette. You most certainly do NOT blast rap, hip hop and dance music out of the tinny-sounding speaker on your phone for all to hear.
I took a few days off from the gym after that (self-imposed exile), hoping that the other regulars would forget about my low-tech mishap with my high-tech earplugs. And I got myself an iPod that has no speaker but does have a Bluetooth adapter so now I can run cord-free and shame-free.
Monday, August 31, 2009
NO means NO
So I had sent the following email to the Bad Date guy letting him know that the hour I had spent with him was more than enough to suffice.
__________________________________________________________
Hi Bad Date,
I'm glad you had a fun road trip with your mom, it's great to add to the memory bank for later on in life. I'm sure you had a lot of laughs on the road!
I have to be honest with you: I don't feel like we're a very good match. I had a nice time talking with you over lunch, but I'm just not feeling it. Good luck dating, there's someone out there for everyone!
All the best,
Marsha
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.
__________________________________________________________
That email had been carefully crafted with both male and female advisors.
40 minutes later I get the following response (and no, you can’t make this up):
__________________________________________________________
Hey Marsha.
I think someone has hacked into your blackberry. I just got a strange email from someone who is "not feeling it" ??? Wow.
Anyway, when do you want to meet up?
-Bad Date
__________________________________________________________
Hmm, HIGHLY disturbing. I didn’t think he was trying to be funny because he had not once been funny previously. He had been insecure and downright boring, but never funny. So if he was trying to make a joke out of my email…well, he failed. And I don’t know anyone who would respond positively to an email like his because I came right out and said “NO” and he writes back “YES.” That doesn’t bode well for future “NO’s” I’d be giving him. So I ignored his email, but I did forward it to just about everyone I know. I assumed I was free of him, and his psychotic “Yes” email was just positive affirmation that I most definitely did the right thing.
So the next day rolls around and I’m still chuckling about the email (yet a little frightened because it was so presumptuous). I was horrified when at 10:47 AM the following emails hits my Blackberry with the subject: "Hacked?"
__________________________________________________________
Hi Marsha, well I guess it wasn't a hacker after all. Anyway, no problems, it was nice to meet you. You seem like a great girl, I was happy to have the chance to get to know you.
If the fact that I am still married was the problem, of course I totally understand. I guess I should have made it more clear that I am still early in that process. It has taken some time to get to this point, and for the sake of her and my family, and not to drop this bomb on the law firm I just rejoined in the first few months of my being here, I choose not to make this public yet. Only my family and a few very close friends know what is going on now. But soon the divorce will be public (the marriage is over with zero chance of reconciliation).
I guess I am telling you this on the chance that when all this is behind me, I'd be perfectly willing to meet up for coffee and start over! If you want to chat or whatever in the mean time feel free to shot me an email, consider me a friend.
[If it has nothing to do with that and you 'just aint feelin me, dog'; so be it, no problem, different strokes and all that ...]
Thanks Marsha
-Bad Date
__________________________________________________________
Where to begin? Do I even need to add comment to this? I have to:
- “I was happy to have the chance to get to know you” --- do you know me? We met once, for just over an hour. I had a grilled cheese and a Diet Coke. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Glad you got the chance to know me.
-“If the fact that I am still married was the problem, of course I totally understand.” I really don’t have to add anything, this speaks for itself. But additional problems with you are that you’re FUG and BORING. Try Invisalign, Crest White Strips, and get a personality.
-"and not to drop this bomb on the law firm I just rejoined" --- I can't say this any better than a friend of mine did: Dude, you are not Tom Cruise and this is not "The Firm". No one cares!
-“I'd be perfectly willing to meet up for coffee and start over!” That’s great that you’re willing, but I think I made it pretty clear I am NOT interested. Go away.
-“just aint feelin me dog”??? WTF.
Thankfully that was the last of the DIRECT contact. Indirectly, he called our mutual “friend” who set us up and also said he was cute [insert gagging here] and asked her what he did wrong. Dude, we met once over lunch. I wasn’t interested. Stop obsessing and get over it. But just to be kind I told her it was the divorce thing. She said she was going to try and set him up with another girl in the office. GO AHEAD! But I just might have to warn here about the snaggletooth.
__________________________________________________________
Hi Bad Date,
I'm glad you had a fun road trip with your mom, it's great to add to the memory bank for later on in life. I'm sure you had a lot of laughs on the road!
I have to be honest with you: I don't feel like we're a very good match. I had a nice time talking with you over lunch, but I'm just not feeling it. Good luck dating, there's someone out there for everyone!
All the best,
Marsha
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.
__________________________________________________________
That email had been carefully crafted with both male and female advisors.
40 minutes later I get the following response (and no, you can’t make this up):
__________________________________________________________
Hey Marsha.
I think someone has hacked into your blackberry. I just got a strange email from someone who is "not feeling it" ??? Wow.
Anyway, when do you want to meet up?
-Bad Date
__________________________________________________________
Hmm, HIGHLY disturbing. I didn’t think he was trying to be funny because he had not once been funny previously. He had been insecure and downright boring, but never funny. So if he was trying to make a joke out of my email…well, he failed. And I don’t know anyone who would respond positively to an email like his because I came right out and said “NO” and he writes back “YES.” That doesn’t bode well for future “NO’s” I’d be giving him. So I ignored his email, but I did forward it to just about everyone I know. I assumed I was free of him, and his psychotic “Yes” email was just positive affirmation that I most definitely did the right thing.
So the next day rolls around and I’m still chuckling about the email (yet a little frightened because it was so presumptuous). I was horrified when at 10:47 AM the following emails hits my Blackberry with the subject: "Hacked?"
__________________________________________________________
Hi Marsha, well I guess it wasn't a hacker after all. Anyway, no problems, it was nice to meet you. You seem like a great girl, I was happy to have the chance to get to know you.
If the fact that I am still married was the problem, of course I totally understand. I guess I should have made it more clear that I am still early in that process. It has taken some time to get to this point, and for the sake of her and my family, and not to drop this bomb on the law firm I just rejoined in the first few months of my being here, I choose not to make this public yet. Only my family and a few very close friends know what is going on now. But soon the divorce will be public (the marriage is over with zero chance of reconciliation).
I guess I am telling you this on the chance that when all this is behind me, I'd be perfectly willing to meet up for coffee and start over! If you want to chat or whatever in the mean time feel free to shot me an email, consider me a friend.
[If it has nothing to do with that and you 'just aint feelin me, dog'; so be it, no problem, different strokes and all that ...]
Thanks Marsha
-Bad Date
__________________________________________________________
Where to begin? Do I even need to add comment to this? I have to:
- “I was happy to have the chance to get to know you” --- do you know me? We met once, for just over an hour. I had a grilled cheese and a Diet Coke. I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. Glad you got the chance to know me.
-“If the fact that I am still married was the problem, of course I totally understand.” I really don’t have to add anything, this speaks for itself. But additional problems with you are that you’re FUG and BORING. Try Invisalign, Crest White Strips, and get a personality.
-"and not to drop this bomb on the law firm I just rejoined" --- I can't say this any better than a friend of mine did: Dude, you are not Tom Cruise and this is not "The Firm". No one cares!
-“I'd be perfectly willing to meet up for coffee and start over!” That’s great that you’re willing, but I think I made it pretty clear I am NOT interested. Go away.
-“just aint feelin me dog”??? WTF.
Thankfully that was the last of the DIRECT contact. Indirectly, he called our mutual “friend” who set us up and also said he was cute [insert gagging here] and asked her what he did wrong. Dude, we met once over lunch. I wasn’t interested. Stop obsessing and get over it. But just to be kind I told her it was the divorce thing. She said she was going to try and set him up with another girl in the office. GO AHEAD! But I just might have to warn here about the snaggletooth.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
Because sometimes even the most stylish people have an off day.
What is style? Does it come from the inside or the outside? Is it from both? Should style equal comfort? Comfort in your own skin or comfort in your clothes? How do the two blend together? And what are the failings?
I like to think I’m stylish: I generally dress well and have nice clothing. People line up for my hand-me-downs. [To you bitches who criticized my non-designer jeans: I only bought them because I wasn’t sure skinny jeans were going to stay in style and didn’t want to invest a lot of money in a pair just to ditch them after one season. $40 at AE = well worth it.] I buy nice shoes and bags and belts and I take good care of my belongings. I invest in beautiful pieces that I have for years and years. My black DVF wrap dress doesn’t owe me anything and it’s still going strong.
Juicy Couture is an example of the successful merger of style and comfort, as are Hard Tail and So Low sweats and more recently Lulu Lemon. Each of these labels took comfort and brought in the crucial element of style – all of their designs have been mimicked for years now and women pay top dollar for the look.
But merging style and comfort has its failings, where something stylish and comfortable has been destroyed by fit. Sometimes it’s simply the wrong body type wearing something stylish: skinny jeans are not for everyone, even though jeans are one of the most forgiving of pants. [If you have no ass, skinny jeans are not your friend. Be sure to wear a tunic to conceal this.]
The following is an email I sent in November 2007 to my sister detailing my attire. Perhaps the most horrifying part is that I was on the train so I must have worn this outfit to my Manhattan office, which is FILLED with stylish people.
_______________________________________
Sent: Monday, November 19, 2007 5:39:57 PM
Subject: My outfit
So I told you I am wearing way too big pants, right? I also have on a big gray cardigan and a gray shirt underneath. The cardigan is longer but is doing nothing to conceal my saggy baggy ass. Oh, and the pants have one of those latch hooks at the waistband and they are so oversized that the latch won't work. Only the fly is keeping them up. And underneath the pants I have on a pair of beat up pink undies, so if my pants fall down it won't be pretty.
To walk home from the train I brought my Merrill snow boots. They are similar to Merrill mocs, but incredibly have a wider, more unflattering toe than the low mocs. It's an unbelievably good look.
Finally, I am wearing my long puffer parka and mittens and I have 2 bags with me. So I look like a crazy, disheveled bag lady with a load in her pants. If you see me walking on the street just keep going, I'll probably be looking for soda bottles and cans worth a nickel at the redemption place.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.
_______________________________________
I can tell you exactly what I was wearing. The whole outfit was from BCBG. [Stylish, right?] I still have everything but the pants: I believe I unloaded them on my “grab bag” shortly after this incident. The puffer coat is a North Face parka that has a flattering cut and despite being quilted down, doesn’t add bulk and is incredibly warm. The Merrill boots…well, it was November and my walk from the train is nearly a mile and it may have already snowed. I most certainly had lovely shoes on while in the office, and I was probably toting them in one of the two bags. (Again, I’m a nice person. Please don’t judge me by my postings here.) The undies were my first pair of Hanky Pankies and I got them before Hanky Pankies became a household name. I remain a loyal devotee and I did eventually part with my first pair.
But back to the point: while all of this was stylish independently (not the Merrills, I concede) the end result was a disaster. An unsuccessful merger of style and comfort, brought on by an ill-fitting pair of pants. So what’s a girl to do when she has a major failure? As a supremely stylish person I’m sure I carried it well in the office that day. Stand tall, shoulders back, walk confidently. No one will notice the ass of your pants is way too big when your personality and smile are even bigger.
I like to think I’m stylish: I generally dress well and have nice clothing. People line up for my hand-me-downs. [To you bitches who criticized my non-designer jeans: I only bought them because I wasn’t sure skinny jeans were going to stay in style and didn’t want to invest a lot of money in a pair just to ditch them after one season. $40 at AE = well worth it.] I buy nice shoes and bags and belts and I take good care of my belongings. I invest in beautiful pieces that I have for years and years. My black DVF wrap dress doesn’t owe me anything and it’s still going strong.
Juicy Couture is an example of the successful merger of style and comfort, as are Hard Tail and So Low sweats and more recently Lulu Lemon. Each of these labels took comfort and brought in the crucial element of style – all of their designs have been mimicked for years now and women pay top dollar for the look.
But merging style and comfort has its failings, where something stylish and comfortable has been destroyed by fit. Sometimes it’s simply the wrong body type wearing something stylish: skinny jeans are not for everyone, even though jeans are one of the most forgiving of pants. [If you have no ass, skinny jeans are not your friend. Be sure to wear a tunic to conceal this.]
The following is an email I sent in November 2007 to my sister detailing my attire. Perhaps the most horrifying part is that I was on the train so I must have worn this outfit to my Manhattan office, which is FILLED with stylish people.
_______________________________________
Sent: Monday, November 19, 2007 5:39:57 PM
Subject: My outfit
So I told you I am wearing way too big pants, right? I also have on a big gray cardigan and a gray shirt underneath. The cardigan is longer but is doing nothing to conceal my saggy baggy ass. Oh, and the pants have one of those latch hooks at the waistband and they are so oversized that the latch won't work. Only the fly is keeping them up. And underneath the pants I have on a pair of beat up pink undies, so if my pants fall down it won't be pretty.
To walk home from the train I brought my Merrill snow boots. They are similar to Merrill mocs, but incredibly have a wider, more unflattering toe than the low mocs. It's an unbelievably good look.
Finally, I am wearing my long puffer parka and mittens and I have 2 bags with me. So I look like a crazy, disheveled bag lady with a load in her pants. If you see me walking on the street just keep going, I'll probably be looking for soda bottles and cans worth a nickel at the redemption place.
Sent from my BlackBerry wireless handheld.
_______________________________________
I can tell you exactly what I was wearing. The whole outfit was from BCBG. [Stylish, right?] I still have everything but the pants: I believe I unloaded them on my “grab bag” shortly after this incident. The puffer coat is a North Face parka that has a flattering cut and despite being quilted down, doesn’t add bulk and is incredibly warm. The Merrill boots…well, it was November and my walk from the train is nearly a mile and it may have already snowed. I most certainly had lovely shoes on while in the office, and I was probably toting them in one of the two bags. (Again, I’m a nice person. Please don’t judge me by my postings here.) The undies were my first pair of Hanky Pankies and I got them before Hanky Pankies became a household name. I remain a loyal devotee and I did eventually part with my first pair.
But back to the point: while all of this was stylish independently (not the Merrills, I concede) the end result was a disaster. An unsuccessful merger of style and comfort, brought on by an ill-fitting pair of pants. So what’s a girl to do when she has a major failure? As a supremely stylish person I’m sure I carried it well in the office that day. Stand tall, shoulders back, walk confidently. No one will notice the ass of your pants is way too big when your personality and smile are even bigger.
Monday, August 24, 2009
"Swingers"
These are actual emails I received from a guy I went on a lunch date with a few weeks ago. We met on a Monday and within 20 minutes of me escaping the “date” he had emailed me asking for a follow-up, an email I ignored. These emails are from the next day, Tuesday. Names have been changed to protect the innocent…and the guilty.
_______________________________________
Tuesday, 11:05 AM
Hey Marsha.
I'd love to get together again (if you want!), problem is Wed I'm working then taking sister Shera and her kids to JFK, then I am going to be gone Thurs-Sun.
Road trip: My mother wants to go to Illinois to see 1. Her brother and family (my cousins) and 2. To Kentucky to visit Gethsemani, the monestary where the famous Trappest monk Thomas Merton (who wrote my Mom's favorate book 'The Seven Storey Mountain') lived and wrote. [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Merton ] My sister DeeDee, a libriarian with summers free, and I told Mom we would take her and make a fun road trip out of it, stopping to see things like 'the world's largest ball of yarn' on the way.
I think, since my mom is getting on in years, she ought to do the things she has wanted to do, this amoung them. One lesson I learned during my father's illness is the importance of doing things on your 'list' in your 'golden years' because once your health starts to fail, life is all about doctors, hospitals medication, tests, ect..
DeeDee (sister) just found out her ankle is fractured as well as sprained, she is in a cast and can't share the driving duties. I don't mind driving for long periods, so thats fine with me, but I was looking forward to some down time in the car to read/organize. Anyway, my mom could concivably pull the plug at the last minute.
So, I enjoyed meeting you, and I'll keep in touch - (do you want updates from the road? I'm sure it will be thrilling!) I'll have sporatic access to the Internet, depending on the quality of motels we frequent, I could drop you a line by phone if you want, how best to reach you?
-Bad Date
Tuesday, 11:21 AM (16 minutes later)
Really I'm not that stupid. Please disregard the prior email typed out in a lazy stream of connsiousness string of grammar and spelling disasters. I forgot this email account, unlike my MS Outlook at work does not check first before sending. Good thing I don't use this for clients. I am going to change that setting now ...
***Corrected*** (lol):
""Hey Marsha.
I'd love to get together again (if you want!), problem is Wed I'm working then taking sister Shera and her kids to JFK, then I am going to be gone Thurs-Sun.
Road trip: My mother wants to go to Illinois to see 1. Her brother and family (my cousins) and 2. To Kentucky to visit Gethsemani, the monetary where the famous Trap pest monk Thomas Merton (who wrote my Mom's favorite book 'The Seven Storey Mountain') lived and wrote. [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Merton ] My sister DeeDee, a librarian with summers free, and I told Mom we would take her and make a fun road trip out of it, stopping to see things like 'the world's largest ball of yarn' on the way.
I think, since my mom is getting on in years, she ought to do the things she has wanted to do, this among them. One lesson I learned during my father's illness is the importance of doing things on your 'list' in your 'golden years' because once your health starts to fail, life is all about doctors, hospitals medication, tests, ect..
DeeDee (sister) just found out her ankle is fractured as well as sprained, she is in a cast and can't share the driving duties. I don't mind driving for long periods, so that’s fine with me, but I was looking forward to some down time in the car to read/organize. Anyway, my mom could conceivably pull the plug at the last minute.
So, I enjoyed meeting you, and I'll keep in touch - (do you want updates from the road? I'm sure it will be thrilling!) I'll have sporadic access to the Internet, depending on the quality of motels we frequent, I could drop you a line by phone if you want, how best to reach you?
-Bad Date
Tuesday, 11:37 AM (16 minutes later)
Also, 'spell check' on my 'Network Solutions webmail' is awful, as I reflexively hit 'change' while the stupid thing suggests:
'monetary' for 'monestary' and
'Trap pest' monk for 'Trappest'
of course if I had bothered to look...
_______________________________________
The first email was so boring I barely read it…and no one expects a casual email to be perfect. [You should see the emails I send to my sister, and she to me. Comolsona snoot, sissy?] The second email, sent a mere 16 minutes later, was just as boring and actually had typos and ridiculously bad grammar in the section where he tried to explain himself and defend his intelligence. Did he really expect me to re-read the first email to verify he had corrected the spelling and grammar? And the road trip sounds painfully boring…yet he wants to call me from the road with "thrilling" updates. Visiting the world’s largest ball of yarn with your elderly mother and a librarian does not constitute a thrilling road trip. Also, what exactly does one organize in a car?
But the real question is: once an email has been sent, how often do you go back to critique what you have just written? You do that BEFORE hitting send, right? That’s the beauty of email over voicemail – you can take all the time in the world to write, re-read and edit. Don't send two follow up emails (each 15 minutes apart) highlighting your typos and grammar. I understand the anxiety with voicemail: it's permanent so you have to be careful what you say because there are no second chances. This guy was way to overeager on EMAIL...the thought of him leaving me a voicemail fills me with horror.
It was the “do-over” concept that reminded me of the scene from the movie Swingers. If I had not already decided this guy was way too weird and desperate for me then these three emails would have sealed his fate. Here’s the scene from Swingers to refresh your memory:
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. This is Mike. I met you tonight at the Dresden. I, uh, just called to say I, uh, I'm really glad we met and you should give me a call. So call me tomorrow, or, like, in two days, whatever. My number is 213-555-4679...
(beep)
Mike hangs up. Pauses for a moment. He calls again.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. This is Mike, again. I just called because it sounded like your machine might've cut me off before I gave you my number, and also to say sorry for calling so late, but you were still there when I left the Dresden, so I knew I'd get your machine. Anyway, my number is...
(beep)
Mike calls back right away.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
213-555-4679. That's all. I just wanted to leave my number. I don't want you to think I'm weird, or desperate or something...
... I mean, you know, we should just hang out. That's it. No expectations. Just, you know, hang out. Bye.
(beep)
Mike hangs up. Pauses for a moment. He calls again.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leaves a message.
(beep)
MIKE
I just got out of a six-year relationship. Okay? That should help to explain why I'm acting so weird. It's not you. It's me. I just wanted to say that. Sorry.
(pause)
This is Mike.
(beep)
Mike calls back right away.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. This is Mike again. Could you just call me when you get in? I'll be up for awhile, and I'd just rather talk to you in person instead of trying to squeeze it all...
(beep)
Mike calls back right away.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. Mike. I don't think this is working out. I think you're great, but maybe we should just take some time off from each other. It's not you, really. It's me. It's only been six months...
NIKKI (In person because she picks up the phone)
Mike?
MIKE
Hey, Nikki! How’s it going?
NIKKI
Don’t ever call me again.
So ultimately I had to pull a “Nikki” on this “Mike.” But that’s a story for another day.
_______________________________________
Tuesday, 11:05 AM
Hey Marsha.
I'd love to get together again (if you want!), problem is Wed I'm working then taking sister Shera and her kids to JFK, then I am going to be gone Thurs-Sun.
Road trip: My mother wants to go to Illinois to see 1. Her brother and family (my cousins) and 2. To Kentucky to visit Gethsemani, the monestary where the famous Trappest monk Thomas Merton (who wrote my Mom's favorate book 'The Seven Storey Mountain') lived and wrote. [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Merton ] My sister DeeDee, a libriarian with summers free, and I told Mom we would take her and make a fun road trip out of it, stopping to see things like 'the world's largest ball of yarn' on the way.
I think, since my mom is getting on in years, she ought to do the things she has wanted to do, this amoung them. One lesson I learned during my father's illness is the importance of doing things on your 'list' in your 'golden years' because once your health starts to fail, life is all about doctors, hospitals medication, tests, ect..
DeeDee (sister) just found out her ankle is fractured as well as sprained, she is in a cast and can't share the driving duties. I don't mind driving for long periods, so thats fine with me, but I was looking forward to some down time in the car to read/organize. Anyway, my mom could concivably pull the plug at the last minute.
So, I enjoyed meeting you, and I'll keep in touch - (do you want updates from the road? I'm sure it will be thrilling!) I'll have sporatic access to the Internet, depending on the quality of motels we frequent, I could drop you a line by phone if you want, how best to reach you?
-Bad Date
Tuesday, 11:21 AM (16 minutes later)
Really I'm not that stupid. Please disregard the prior email typed out in a lazy stream of connsiousness string of grammar and spelling disasters. I forgot this email account, unlike my MS Outlook at work does not check first before sending. Good thing I don't use this for clients. I am going to change that setting now ...
***Corrected*** (lol):
""Hey Marsha.
I'd love to get together again (if you want!), problem is Wed I'm working then taking sister Shera and her kids to JFK, then I am going to be gone Thurs-Sun.
Road trip: My mother wants to go to Illinois to see 1. Her brother and family (my cousins) and 2. To Kentucky to visit Gethsemani, the monetary where the famous Trap pest monk Thomas Merton (who wrote my Mom's favorite book 'The Seven Storey Mountain') lived and wrote. [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Merton ] My sister DeeDee, a librarian with summers free, and I told Mom we would take her and make a fun road trip out of it, stopping to see things like 'the world's largest ball of yarn' on the way.
I think, since my mom is getting on in years, she ought to do the things she has wanted to do, this among them. One lesson I learned during my father's illness is the importance of doing things on your 'list' in your 'golden years' because once your health starts to fail, life is all about doctors, hospitals medication, tests, ect..
DeeDee (sister) just found out her ankle is fractured as well as sprained, she is in a cast and can't share the driving duties. I don't mind driving for long periods, so that’s fine with me, but I was looking forward to some down time in the car to read/organize. Anyway, my mom could conceivably pull the plug at the last minute.
So, I enjoyed meeting you, and I'll keep in touch - (do you want updates from the road? I'm sure it will be thrilling!) I'll have sporadic access to the Internet, depending on the quality of motels we frequent, I could drop you a line by phone if you want, how best to reach you?
-Bad Date
Tuesday, 11:37 AM (16 minutes later)
Also, 'spell check' on my 'Network Solutions webmail' is awful, as I reflexively hit 'change' while the stupid thing suggests:
'monetary' for 'monestary' and
'Trap pest' monk for 'Trappest'
of course if I had bothered to look...
_______________________________________
The first email was so boring I barely read it…and no one expects a casual email to be perfect. [You should see the emails I send to my sister, and she to me. Comolsona snoot, sissy?] The second email, sent a mere 16 minutes later, was just as boring and actually had typos and ridiculously bad grammar in the section where he tried to explain himself and defend his intelligence. Did he really expect me to re-read the first email to verify he had corrected the spelling and grammar? And the road trip sounds painfully boring…yet he wants to call me from the road with "thrilling" updates. Visiting the world’s largest ball of yarn with your elderly mother and a librarian does not constitute a thrilling road trip. Also, what exactly does one organize in a car?
But the real question is: once an email has been sent, how often do you go back to critique what you have just written? You do that BEFORE hitting send, right? That’s the beauty of email over voicemail – you can take all the time in the world to write, re-read and edit. Don't send two follow up emails (each 15 minutes apart) highlighting your typos and grammar. I understand the anxiety with voicemail: it's permanent so you have to be careful what you say because there are no second chances. This guy was way to overeager on EMAIL...the thought of him leaving me a voicemail fills me with horror.
It was the “do-over” concept that reminded me of the scene from the movie Swingers. If I had not already decided this guy was way too weird and desperate for me then these three emails would have sealed his fate. Here’s the scene from Swingers to refresh your memory:
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. This is Mike. I met you tonight at the Dresden. I, uh, just called to say I, uh, I'm really glad we met and you should give me a call. So call me tomorrow, or, like, in two days, whatever. My number is 213-555-4679...
(beep)
Mike hangs up. Pauses for a moment. He calls again.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. This is Mike, again. I just called because it sounded like your machine might've cut me off before I gave you my number, and also to say sorry for calling so late, but you were still there when I left the Dresden, so I knew I'd get your machine. Anyway, my number is...
(beep)
Mike calls back right away.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
213-555-4679. That's all. I just wanted to leave my number. I don't want you to think I'm weird, or desperate or something...
... I mean, you know, we should just hang out. That's it. No expectations. Just, you know, hang out. Bye.
(beep)
Mike hangs up. Pauses for a moment. He calls again.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leaves a message.
(beep)
MIKE
I just got out of a six-year relationship. Okay? That should help to explain why I'm acting so weird. It's not you. It's me. I just wanted to say that. Sorry.
(pause)
This is Mike.
(beep)
Mike calls back right away.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. This is Mike again. Could you just call me when you get in? I'll be up for awhile, and I'd just rather talk to you in person instead of trying to squeeze it all...
(beep)
Mike calls back right away.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. Mike. I don't think this is working out. I think you're great, but maybe we should just take some time off from each other. It's not you, really. It's me. It's only been six months...
NIKKI (In person because she picks up the phone)
Mike?
MIKE
Hey, Nikki! How’s it going?
NIKKI
Don’t ever call me again.
So ultimately I had to pull a “Nikki” on this “Mike.” But that’s a story for another day.
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