"Swingers"

These are actual emails I received from a guy I went on a lunch date with a few weeks ago. We met on a Monday and within 20 minutes of me escaping the “date” he had emailed me asking for a follow-up, an email I ignored. These emails are from the next day, Tuesday. Names have been changed to protect the innocent…and the guilty.
_______________________________________

Tuesday, 11:05 AM
Hey Marsha.
I'd love to get together again (if you want!), problem is Wed I'm working then taking sister Shera and her kids to JFK, then I am going to be gone Thurs-Sun.

Road trip: My mother wants to go to Illinois to see 1. Her brother and family (my cousins) and 2. To Kentucky to visit Gethsemani, the monestary where the famous Trappest monk Thomas Merton (who wrote my Mom's favorate book 'The Seven Storey Mountain') lived and wrote. [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Merton ] My sister DeeDee, a libriarian with summers free, and I told Mom we would take her and make a fun road trip out of it, stopping to see things like 'the world's largest ball of yarn' on the way.

I think, since my mom is getting on in years, she ought to do the things she has wanted to do, this amoung them. One lesson I learned during my father's illness is the importance of doing things on your 'list' in your 'golden years' because once your health starts to fail, life is all about doctors, hospitals medication, tests, ect..

DeeDee (sister) just found out her ankle is fractured as well as sprained, she is in a cast and can't share the driving duties. I don't mind driving for long periods, so thats fine with me, but I was looking forward to some down time in the car to read/organize. Anyway, my mom could concivably pull the plug at the last minute.

So, I enjoyed meeting you, and I'll keep in touch - (do you want updates from the road? I'm sure it will be thrilling!) I'll have sporatic access to the Internet, depending on the quality of motels we frequent, I could drop you a line by phone if you want, how best to reach you?
-Bad Date

Tuesday, 11:21 AM (16 minutes later)
Really I'm not that stupid. Please disregard the prior email typed out in a lazy stream of connsiousness string of grammar and spelling disasters. I forgot this email account, unlike my MS Outlook at work does not check first before sending. Good thing I don't use this for clients. I am going to change that setting now ...

***Corrected*** (lol):
""Hey Marsha.
I'd love to get together again (if you want!), problem is Wed I'm working then taking sister Shera and her kids to JFK, then I am going to be gone Thurs-Sun.

Road trip: My mother wants to go to Illinois to see 1. Her brother and family (my cousins) and 2. To Kentucky to visit Gethsemani, the monetary where the famous Trap pest monk Thomas Merton (who wrote my Mom's favorite book 'The Seven Storey Mountain') lived and wrote. [ http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Thomas_Merton ] My sister DeeDee, a librarian with summers free, and I told Mom we would take her and make a fun road trip out of it, stopping to see things like 'the world's largest ball of yarn' on the way.

I think, since my mom is getting on in years, she ought to do the things she has wanted to do, this among them. One lesson I learned during my father's illness is the importance of doing things on your 'list' in your 'golden years' because once your health starts to fail, life is all about doctors, hospitals medication, tests, ect..

DeeDee (sister) just found out her ankle is fractured as well as sprained, she is in a cast and can't share the driving duties. I don't mind driving for long periods, so that’s fine with me, but I was looking forward to some down time in the car to read/organize. Anyway, my mom could conceivably pull the plug at the last minute.

So, I enjoyed meeting you, and I'll keep in touch - (do you want updates from the road? I'm sure it will be thrilling!) I'll have sporadic access to the Internet, depending on the quality of motels we frequent, I could drop you a line by phone if you want, how best to reach you?
-Bad Date

Tuesday, 11:37 AM (16 minutes later)
Also, 'spell check' on my 'Network Solutions webmail' is awful, as I reflexively hit 'change' while the stupid thing suggests:
'monetary' for 'monestary' and
'Trap pest' monk for 'Trappest'
of course if I had bothered to look...

_______________________________________

The first email was so boring I barely read it…and no one expects a casual email to be perfect. [You should see the emails I send to my sister, and she to me. Comolsona snoot, sissy?] The second email, sent a mere 16 minutes later, was just as boring and actually had typos and ridiculously bad grammar in the section where he tried to explain himself and defend his intelligence. Did he really expect me to re-read the first email to verify he had corrected the spelling and grammar? And the road trip sounds painfully boring…yet he wants to call me from the road with "thrilling" updates. Visiting the world’s largest ball of yarn with your elderly mother and a librarian does not constitute a thrilling road trip. Also, what exactly does one organize in a car?

But the real question is: once an email has been sent, how often do you go back to critique what you have just written? You do that BEFORE hitting send, right? That’s the beauty of email over voicemail – you can take all the time in the world to write, re-read and edit. Don't send two follow up emails (each 15 minutes apart) highlighting your typos and grammar. I understand the anxiety with voicemail: it's permanent so you have to be careful what you say because there are no second chances. This guy was way to overeager on EMAIL...the thought of him leaving me a voicemail fills me with horror.

It was the “do-over” concept that reminded me of the scene from the movie Swingers. If I had not already decided this guy was way too weird and desperate for me then these three emails would have sealed his fate. Here’s the scene from Swingers to refresh your memory:

NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. This is Mike. I met you tonight at the Dresden. I, uh, just called to say I, uh, I'm really glad we met and you should give me a call. So call me tomorrow, or, like, in two days, whatever. My number is 213-555-4679...
(beep)
Mike hangs up. Pauses for a moment. He calls again.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. This is Mike, again. I just called because it sounded like your machine might've cut me off before I gave you my number, and also to say sorry for calling so late, but you were still there when I left the Dresden, so I knew I'd get your machine. Anyway, my number is...
(beep)
Mike calls back right away.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
213-555-4679. That's all. I just wanted to leave my number. I don't want you to think I'm weird, or desperate or something...
... I mean, you know, we should just hang out. That's it. No expectations. Just, you know, hang out. Bye.
(beep)
Mike hangs up. Pauses for a moment. He calls again.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leaves a message.
(beep)
MIKE
I just got out of a six-year relationship. Okay? That should help to explain why I'm acting so weird. It's not you. It's me. I just wanted to say that. Sorry.
(pause)
This is Mike.
(beep)
Mike calls back right away.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. This is Mike again. Could you just call me when you get in? I'll be up for awhile, and I'd just rather talk to you in person instead of trying to squeeze it all...
(beep)
Mike calls back right away.
NIKKI’S ANSWERING MACHINE
Hi. This is Nikki. Leave a message.
(beep)
MIKE
Hi, Nikki. Mike. I don't think this is working out. I think you're great, but maybe we should just take some time off from each other. It's not you, really. It's me. It's only been six months...
NIKKI (In person because she picks up the phone)
Mike?
MIKE
Hey, Nikki! How’s it going?
NIKKI
Don’t ever call me again.

So ultimately I had to pull a “Nikki” on this “Mike.” But that’s a story for another day.