I'm baaaaaaaaaaack!

Hey all! Thanks for waiting for me. I was...resting.

"Resting hungover? Resting fired? Help me out here!"

I was resting up after my breast augmentation surgery. No, definitely NOT for me. But I was the victim of an office breast assault - on my eyes, not my breasts. Here's the scoop:

There's a girl in my office who is unmarried, early to mid-20's and has a 3 yr old kid. She's very trashy: from day one I pegged her as a stripper and among my friends at work we refer to her as "the Stripper". She has a child-like body: very tiny and straight. She's barely 5' tall, if that. She wears heavy make-up and has chunky white/blond highlights in dark hair. She smokes. I won't get into her completely unprofessional office attire.

About a year ago she first cornered me in the ladies' room and told me some deeply personal things. Like how her baby's daddy manages a "gentlemen's club" in Rhode Island. That she struggles with anorexia. She's had tons of Botox done in her face (she's not even 25!!!) and she really wants a boob job but can't afford one. How she wants her Baby Daddy back but he's "cheating" on her with 2 or more dancers at the club...I could go on and on.

I usually listen politely, offer some benign advice ("things will get better!" "you don't need him!" "just do the best for your daughter!") and run away from her. Well, recently she cornered me again:

"oh hey marcia"
"hi Strip, how are you?"
"I'm good"

I'm about to ask if she's ready for Christmas when she RIPS OFF HER SWEATER and reveals the most monstrously hideous fake boobs I have ever seen in real life. She's wearing a yucky but supportive "mom bra" over them, but they are enormous and are still quite new, as evidenced by the surgical tape covering most of them. Then she takes the bra off!

WTF, are we in a locker room or the office restroom??? Go in a stall!!!

Thankfully the surgical tape spared me from experiencing all the visual "delights" of her newly acquired assets. However, two very perky nipples were obvious under that tape. As previously mentioned - she's a tiny person. She has a child's body. And yet she has 2 enormous MINIMUM C-cup implants stuffed under her skin.

I don't know what to say...but I try anyway: "wow Strip, I thought you just had on a really good bra. when did you have your breasts done?"

As she answers me she removes a white band from her bag. It is 2" wide and made of canvas. While she's telling me about the surgery and her doctor in Rhode Island (no surprise there: his office is probably next to a certain "gentlemen's club") she begins wrapping the strap around her upper chest. I'm still nearly mute with horror, but totally curious and I WANT to ask if I can touch them...but I don't ask because I don't need to get fired for creating a hostile work environment even though it is SHE who is assaulting my good sensibilities with her bad boob job. And in the office restroom!! Not even in a stall.

Anyway, back to the strap. She sees my look of horror, mistakes it for interest, and says "my right implant dropped but the left one hasn't yet so I have to wrap this strap around my boob to try and force it down." Is this a legit medical practice? Who knows. She tells me the dr expects the implant will drop eventually so until then she wears this strap a few hours a day to encourage it.

With the squeezing strap in place she begins to dress herself, putting the granny-bra back on and slipping her sweater over her head. I am thanking god that no one else came into the bathroom during this exchange, I would have been mortified. Locker room at the "club" or financial services firm public restroom - it's all the same to her!

I hope her enormous fake boobs help her win back her baby's daddy and maybe her job on the pole, as clearly they are doing nothing for her sense of decency in the workplace. She looks like a cartoon character: tiny body with enormous breasts. And of course I have about a million questions to ask her but I never will ask them because I don't want to encourage her. But i'm not worried about it: she will most certainly over-share all the details with me in due time.

Interestingly, last week news broke that an employee of Brides magazine was fired for showing several of her close female colleagues her new implants in her office (ie, behind a closed door) and that she never even removed the sports bra she was wearing. If only I had been so lucky! I'm not saying I want the Stripper fired...I do wish she had a sports bra on to prevent the image of her destroyed breasts from being permanently seared into my brain.