Another Match.com date last night. His profile was interesting, his emails were humorous and not completely self-indulgent: i.e., he did not say "I have a boat and a jet ski and a borrowed race car, you will like me because of all that, right?" He's an engineer, but as previously discussed that's typical of Match. His pics indicated he was from a lower "caste" than yours truly, but hoping he was just unphotogenic I accepted the date. His looks weren't my biggest concern, I was hopeful that his wit and personality on email would translate to his in-person personality.
{side note: when i first typed "translate" above I did some spastic typing and translate came out as "strangler"...}
I knew from his profile that he's a casual guy: most of his pics were of him camping and drinking beer with other dudes. But for our first date he showed up in jeans, a t-shirt and a zip-up hoodie. Very casual indeed. No golf shirt, no button down, a t-shirt. And not a crisp pocket T...no, a worn in (and likely comfy) faded navy blue t-shirt, similar to the ones I occasionally wear to the gym or while scrubbing the bathtub at home. He either has serious 5 o'clock shadow or he hadn't shaved for a few days.
He was skinny: the kind of thin frame that an über nerd would have, compounded by his love of running and cycling. Bad hair: short, dark and wiry, no product used or any attempt to style his Super-Cuts $14.95 special. He wasn't totally unattractive, but certainly no heart-throb either. On the bright side he did have straight teeth.
The voices in my head were laughing and shouting at me "You should have trusted the photos. TRUST THE PHOTOS!!!"
Shut up, brain! He could be a really great guy.
Well, to summarize the 2 hour meet-and-greet session...he wasn't great. He was rather immature for a 36 year old. Everything was "Awesome!" Enthusiasm is good, but this had the feel of a conversation with a 10 year old. He dropped many F-bombs. Many. He referred to several people as "fags." Completely inappropriate when you don't know the person you are speaking with...and it just indicated to me he could not be left unattended in mixed company. [I have a policy against babysitting adults.]
The 10 year old personality manifested itself further when I asked about his work. As a software engineer he once worked at a robotics firm...and with great passion he described the practical implications of robots in military, health care and commercial use. Then he said "There's a video of the robot I built on YouTube, look it up on your iPhone!!!" So I looked up the video...and we watched the entire 3:26 segment as as he described his contributions to the project and the contributions of all the other nerds and fags. He also referred to a radar-blocking program he worked on for a military contract as "gay-dar blocking."
Dude...I don't even know you and you're comments are a bit offensive for us being strangers and in a crowded bar. There was no doubt in my mind: his wit and personality on email did not translate to his in-person personality. No, his in-person personality strangled any wit to death and was survived by off-color humor.
I managed to get out of there without spending any money or with any physical contact beside a handshake. Now I'm contemplating what to email to Robo-Date. My feeling is that his efforts are best spent constructing himself a Fem-bot with advanced gay-dar to keep the f-ing fags away....
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Study Break
I'm supposed to be studying. I’m taking a (voluntary) finance certification exam. I’d ditch it were it not for the $1000 of my own money paying for the test.
And yet, despite the substantial amount of skin I have in the game I cannot seem to focus. Every time I sit down with the books I come up with something far more interesting to do.
The problem is when I study I suddenly become a huge procrastinator. Usually I don’t put off anything, but once there’s a pile of materials in front of me that needs learning/memorizing I unexpectedly have ALL the time in the world for special projects.
Allow me to break down a typical study session:
10:00 AM
Sit down with books.
10:03 AM
Pick at cuticles.
10:05 AM
Oh my god - the floors haven’t been scrubbed in a while. I better get on that!
[Side note: I’m a single female lives alone and does not wear shoes in the house. You could eat off my floors prior to any scrubbing.]
10:45 AM
Sit down with books. Got to focus!
11:07 AM
(Fiddling with hair) Oh look, a split end! I better grab some scissors and inspect every single strand on my head and snip off all offenders.
(As I'm snipping away I notice....) Ew, a knuckle hair. I'll show you. I'll go tweeze it.
11:08 AM
(In the bathroom)
See ya later, knuckle hair! Let me inspect my eyebrows…Well there are more than a few stragglers here.
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Any other stray hairs? Hmm, you better find some or you'll have to study again....
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Crap, definitely should not have tweezed that one. I better try and even these out.
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Oh sh!t…definitely need to put the tweezers down or there will be none left. Ok, back to the books. Actually, I should brush and floss again…
11:20 AM
Back with the books. Focus!
11:32 AM
Gee, this button is loose on the old tatty shirt I'm wearing that I never leave the house in....I better mend this shirt with its armpit stains that’s really nothing more than a rag at this point…
And so it goes. I have filled entire days with meaningless distractions simply to avoid studying. In fact, if you look at my blog entries you will notice they have increased in frequency as the test date has creeped closer and closer. But I'm also not one who enjoys admitting defeat so I'll probably buckle down at the 11th hour and focus...while all the cleaning and snippering and plucking and mending pile up.
And yet, despite the substantial amount of skin I have in the game I cannot seem to focus. Every time I sit down with the books I come up with something far more interesting to do.
The problem is when I study I suddenly become a huge procrastinator. Usually I don’t put off anything, but once there’s a pile of materials in front of me that needs learning/memorizing I unexpectedly have ALL the time in the world for special projects.
Allow me to break down a typical study session:
10:00 AM
Sit down with books.
10:03 AM
Pick at cuticles.
10:05 AM
Oh my god - the floors haven’t been scrubbed in a while. I better get on that!
[Side note: I’m a single female lives alone and does not wear shoes in the house. You could eat off my floors prior to any scrubbing.]
10:45 AM
Sit down with books. Got to focus!
11:07 AM
(Fiddling with hair) Oh look, a split end! I better grab some scissors and inspect every single strand on my head and snip off all offenders.
(As I'm snipping away I notice....) Ew, a knuckle hair. I'll show you. I'll go tweeze it.
11:08 AM
(In the bathroom)
See ya later, knuckle hair! Let me inspect my eyebrows…Well there are more than a few stragglers here.
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Any other stray hairs? Hmm, you better find some or you'll have to study again....
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Crap, definitely should not have tweezed that one. I better try and even these out.
pluck pluck pluck pluck pluck.
Oh sh!t…definitely need to put the tweezers down or there will be none left. Ok, back to the books. Actually, I should brush and floss again…
11:20 AM
Back with the books. Focus!
11:32 AM
Gee, this button is loose on the old tatty shirt I'm wearing that I never leave the house in....I better mend this shirt with its armpit stains that’s really nothing more than a rag at this point…
And so it goes. I have filled entire days with meaningless distractions simply to avoid studying. In fact, if you look at my blog entries you will notice they have increased in frequency as the test date has creeped closer and closer. But I'm also not one who enjoys admitting defeat so I'll probably buckle down at the 11th hour and focus...while all the cleaning and snippering and plucking and mending pile up.
Cat-sitting
One of the advantages of moving away from home is you escape the obligations of "payback" to your parents. You are not responsible for fixing their computer, picking mom up off the floor after she's fallen and can't get up, or watching your childhood pet while your parents are out of town. My brother has not yet realized that moving away would eliminate a myriad of hassles for him.
Key Players/Playas
Brother: My bro, who lives close to my parents.
Rentals: Ma and Pa, who were driving out to Ohio for a relative visit (hence the stop in Erie, PA).
Orange/Orange Cat/Okie: Our childhood cat (an orange tabby cat who never got named) that is the bane of my parents' (and here, my brother's) existence.
Tootsie: Uncle Tootsie is our mother's demented brother. He will be the subject of future postings.
Sophie and Alberta: Two wacky old women who lived a few houses down from our parents. Our mom always insisted they were just roommates and not lesbians. They had a really creepy house and yard.
Conky, Folks and Ear/Air: My bro's imaginary friends from childhood.
Pete: A neighborhood kid.
Shows: Rock concerts that my bro attends.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Friday, August 11, 2006 9:00 AM
To: Brother
Subject: The rentals are in Erie, PA
No problems so far, mom only pooped in her pants twice. Just kidding, there was no mention of any soilings. Yet.
Mike, mom and dad forgot to mention that Orange gets a tiny little taste of wet cat food every day, so if he seems especially out of sorts just give the fat pig a smidgen of wet food and that might shut him up. Otherwise, just pick him up and give him some lovin', then he'll run and hide for days.
------Original Message------
From: Brother
To: Me
Sent: Aug 11, 2006 9:06 AM
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
He hid upstairs all last night. My laundry took a few hours so I crashed there for the night. And drank all the beer (3 of them.) Orange was crying at the bottom of the stairs so I let him out before he got breakfast. If he's not there when I get home I guess he'll be spending the weekend outside.
He puked in the upstairs hallway last night and I stepped in it. I'm looking up recipes for cat stew.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 3:51 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
How did the weekend go with "Okie"? Remember when mom tried to get everyone to call him that and the only one who did was Tootsie?
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2006 15:53:07
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Orange Cat has been in hiding. I let him out on Friday because he wouldn't stop crying and whenever I go back to let him in he runs away. Today I'm just going to leave the back door open for a while.
I really hate him.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 3:57 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Oh man, you have at least seen him, right? I think that's why mom and dad said not to let him out - because he's cantankerous.
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2006 16:02:28
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Yeah, I've seen him. And he is a brat. But he was also puking around the house so I figured it was only going to get worse if he didn't get out.
I'm gonna leave food out for him.
How I hate him.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 4:13 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Wait...he's been gone since Friday morning and you haven't put food out for him yet?
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:12:52
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
So he kept coming back and eating food and then running away when I'd go to let him in. He hangs out in Sophie and Alberta's yard all day. I have Pete checking every few hours to see if he wants to be let in...
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 8:43 AM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Who is Pete?
Maybe Orange is afraid of Conky, Folks and Ear.
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:45:49
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
It was Air, not Ear!
Pete's a neighborhood kid, lives in that yellow house next to Crawford's old house. I met him through shows first and then found out he lived a few houses down. He helped me move some stuff out and mom kept trying to give him old clothes and Snapple.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 8:56 AM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
That's funny. It's raining here, I hope Okie isn't getting wet or he'll be even crankier!
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, Aug 15, 2006 at 9:01 AM
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
To: Me
Well if he's smart he'll be there when Pete goes on patrol or when I swing by after work. I gave him 5 hours last night... He's not getting nearly as much tonight.
Key Players/Playas
Brother: My bro, who lives close to my parents.
Rentals: Ma and Pa, who were driving out to Ohio for a relative visit (hence the stop in Erie, PA).
Orange/Orange Cat/Okie: Our childhood cat (an orange tabby cat who never got named) that is the bane of my parents' (and here, my brother's) existence.
Tootsie: Uncle Tootsie is our mother's demented brother. He will be the subject of future postings.
Sophie and Alberta: Two wacky old women who lived a few houses down from our parents. Our mom always insisted they were just roommates and not lesbians. They had a really creepy house and yard.
Conky, Folks and Ear/Air: My bro's imaginary friends from childhood.
Pete: A neighborhood kid.
Shows: Rock concerts that my bro attends.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Friday, August 11, 2006 9:00 AM
To: Brother
Subject: The rentals are in Erie, PA
No problems so far, mom only pooped in her pants twice. Just kidding, there was no mention of any soilings. Yet.
Mike, mom and dad forgot to mention that Orange gets a tiny little taste of wet cat food every day, so if he seems especially out of sorts just give the fat pig a smidgen of wet food and that might shut him up. Otherwise, just pick him up and give him some lovin', then he'll run and hide for days.
------Original Message------
From: Brother
To: Me
Sent: Aug 11, 2006 9:06 AM
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
He hid upstairs all last night. My laundry took a few hours so I crashed there for the night. And drank all the beer (3 of them.) Orange was crying at the bottom of the stairs so I let him out before he got breakfast. If he's not there when I get home I guess he'll be spending the weekend outside.
He puked in the upstairs hallway last night and I stepped in it. I'm looking up recipes for cat stew.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 3:51 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
How did the weekend go with "Okie"? Remember when mom tried to get everyone to call him that and the only one who did was Tootsie?
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2006 15:53:07
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Orange Cat has been in hiding. I let him out on Friday because he wouldn't stop crying and whenever I go back to let him in he runs away. Today I'm just going to leave the back door open for a while.
I really hate him.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 3:57 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Oh man, you have at least seen him, right? I think that's why mom and dad said not to let him out - because he's cantankerous.
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Mon, 14 Aug 2006 16:02:28
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Yeah, I've seen him. And he is a brat. But he was also puking around the house so I figured it was only going to get worse if he didn't get out.
I'm gonna leave food out for him.
How I hate him.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Monday, August 14, 2006 4:13 PM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Wait...he's been gone since Friday morning and you haven't put food out for him yet?
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:12:52
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
So he kept coming back and eating food and then running away when I'd go to let him in. He hangs out in Sophie and Alberta's yard all day. I have Pete checking every few hours to see if he wants to be let in...
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 8:43 AM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
Who is Pete?
Maybe Orange is afraid of Conky, Folks and Ear.
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, 15 Aug 2006 08:45:49
To: Me
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
It was Air, not Ear!
Pete's a neighborhood kid, lives in that yellow house next to Crawford's old house. I met him through shows first and then found out he lived a few houses down. He helped me move some stuff out and mom kept trying to give him old clothes and Snapple.
-----Original Message-----
From: Me
Sent: Tuesday, August 15, 2006 8:56 AM
To: Brother
Subject: Re: The rentals are in Erie, PA
That's funny. It's raining here, I hope Okie isn't getting wet or he'll be even crankier!
-----Original Message-----
From: Brother
Date: Tue, Aug 15, 2006 at 9:01 AM
Subject: RE: The rentals are in Erie, PA
To: Me
Well if he's smart he'll be there when Pete goes on patrol or when I swing by after work. I gave him 5 hours last night... He's not getting nearly as much tonight.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Suggested improvements for Match.com
This list is a work in progress...
-Scanned photos should not be allowed. If you don't have any acceptable digital photos of yourself...then your problems won't be solved on Match.com.
-No self portraits! That includes photos taken in mirrors, in sparsely furnished bedrooms, or any photo taken with your mobile phone's camera. And really, must you include pictures with your top off?
-Members should be grouped based on their attractiveness. I know this sounds harsh, but let's be honest here: many of the men who have reached out to me simply don't have a chance. I suggest some form of tiering (more like triage!!!) where you are not allowed to seek dates from members above your designated caste. (But by all means, aim lower.)
-All profiles are supposedly screened for content by the Match.com referees. How about screening for egregious spelling and grammar mistakes? Also, please include the spell check option in the Match.com email system.
-Include a translator....an honesty overlay, if you will. This would be used to translate what was written in one's profile to what the prospect actually means. Do you really like to travel...or is driving 2 hours to Giants stadium and tailgating all day your idea of a weekend getaway?
-Remove the "online now" feature. I don't want anyone to know I am looking at my account at 10 PM on a Saturday. (Really, I was just home b/c I was studying!)
-Drinking criteria: what if I drink more than socially but less than an alcoholic?
-Messed up teeth should be listed, just as smoker/non-smoker is. Invisalign should run ads down the side of the page.
-Age screens: this goes back to the beauty tiering/caste system. If I say I'm looking for someone between the ages of 30-39...please don't write me when you're 53, you look like you're 70, and your profile specifies you are seeking someone between the ages of 40-55. It just reeks of desperation.
-Speaking of age: don't put that you're looking for someone ages 20 to 49. Come on, be a little more discriminating than that. "I'll take anyone. ANYONE!!!!"
-What's the deal with all the teachers? You're all the same: moderately unattractive, teach social studies, and post pictures of yourself:
a. in exotic locales
b. as a groomsman in someone's wedding party
c. in groups of equally unattractive people, and NEVER with a drink in hand
You do, however, get extra credit because you can spell and abide by grammar rules.
-Body type: could you be any more vague, Match.com? Am I slender? Or about average? Am I athletic and toned? Does athletic and toned mean I'm beefy? Sissy told me she originally said "about average" and changed to "slender" and got a lot more hits. I noticed a lot of guys say "about average" and then I look at their pictures and think to myself "Hello, husky!"
To be continued...
-Scanned photos should not be allowed. If you don't have any acceptable digital photos of yourself...then your problems won't be solved on Match.com.
-No self portraits! That includes photos taken in mirrors, in sparsely furnished bedrooms, or any photo taken with your mobile phone's camera. And really, must you include pictures with your top off?
-Members should be grouped based on their attractiveness. I know this sounds harsh, but let's be honest here: many of the men who have reached out to me simply don't have a chance. I suggest some form of tiering (more like triage!!!) where you are not allowed to seek dates from members above your designated caste. (But by all means, aim lower.)
-All profiles are supposedly screened for content by the Match.com referees. How about screening for egregious spelling and grammar mistakes? Also, please include the spell check option in the Match.com email system.
-Include a translator....an honesty overlay, if you will. This would be used to translate what was written in one's profile to what the prospect actually means. Do you really like to travel...or is driving 2 hours to Giants stadium and tailgating all day your idea of a weekend getaway?
-Remove the "online now" feature. I don't want anyone to know I am looking at my account at 10 PM on a Saturday. (Really, I was just home b/c I was studying!)
-Drinking criteria: what if I drink more than socially but less than an alcoholic?
-Messed up teeth should be listed, just as smoker/non-smoker is. Invisalign should run ads down the side of the page.
-Age screens: this goes back to the beauty tiering/caste system. If I say I'm looking for someone between the ages of 30-39...please don't write me when you're 53, you look like you're 70, and your profile specifies you are seeking someone between the ages of 40-55. It just reeks of desperation.
-Speaking of age: don't put that you're looking for someone ages 20 to 49. Come on, be a little more discriminating than that. "I'll take anyone. ANYONE!!!!"
-What's the deal with all the teachers? You're all the same: moderately unattractive, teach social studies, and post pictures of yourself:
a. in exotic locales
b. as a groomsman in someone's wedding party
c. in groups of equally unattractive people, and NEVER with a drink in hand
You do, however, get extra credit because you can spell and abide by grammar rules.
-Body type: could you be any more vague, Match.com? Am I slender? Or about average? Am I athletic and toned? Does athletic and toned mean I'm beefy? Sissy told me she originally said "about average" and changed to "slender" and got a lot more hits. I noticed a lot of guys say "about average" and then I look at their pictures and think to myself "Hello, husky!"
To be continued...
September 31st
I was just on a call discussing the upcoming quarter-end and as I was speaking I looked at my desk calendar at the last day of the month: Thursday, September 31st.
Wait...September 31st?
I paused a moment and ran through the rhyme "30 days has September, April, June and November..."
Yes, there in a black-lined square of my glossy print corporate-issued calendar (which has most certainly been sent out to thousands of clients and prospects) was September 31st.
So next Thursday as you go about your ordinary lives on what I hope will be a sunny, warm Fall-like October 1st...I'll be stepping into the worm hole that is September 31st.
I'm excited for the prospects this bonus day holds, my own personal leap year. I should spend the day studying (I know, who else is sick of my complaining about that). Or maybe I'll take Offshore Dave up on his offer for a boat ride. Or maybe I'll start my Christmas shopping that day!
But the reality is October 1st coincidentally falls on the same day (Thursday) as September 31st...making next week an 8-day week. I would much rather have two Saturdays than a sixth weekday, but a bonus day is always good and I'm looking forward to the adventures the day holds!
Wait...September 31st?
I paused a moment and ran through the rhyme "30 days has September, April, June and November..."
Yes, there in a black-lined square of my glossy print corporate-issued calendar (which has most certainly been sent out to thousands of clients and prospects) was September 31st.
So next Thursday as you go about your ordinary lives on what I hope will be a sunny, warm Fall-like October 1st...I'll be stepping into the worm hole that is September 31st.
I'm excited for the prospects this bonus day holds, my own personal leap year. I should spend the day studying (I know, who else is sick of my complaining about that). Or maybe I'll take Offshore Dave up on his offer for a boat ride. Or maybe I'll start my Christmas shopping that day!
But the reality is October 1st coincidentally falls on the same day (Thursday) as September 31st...making next week an 8-day week. I would much rather have two Saturdays than a sixth weekday, but a bonus day is always good and I'm looking forward to the adventures the day holds!
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Junior Mints vs. Thin Mints
What adult woman shops in the junior’s department? Sometimes it’s a mom shopping for her pre-teen or teenage daughter. Sometimes it’s a tiny woman who can only fit in junior-sized clothing. Sometimes it’s a hip and stylish woman, looking for the latest trend in print t-shirts. [Ed Hardy, go away already!!] And sometimes it’s an adult woman…shopping for a bra that may actually fit her.
Despite what Judy Bloom instilled in all our minds 20 years ago, “We must, we must, we must increase our bust” did not work for some of us the way it did for Margaret. Some of us managed to grow into adults without moving into a full cup size. And no, that’s not “I’m a big B, nearly a C.” Sadly, some of us remain entrenched in the AA camp.
I’ve never worn a shirt with darts that fit correctly. Or a dress that was not baggy on top. Or a bikini top where I did not have to pray it would stay down versus riding up over my “mosquito bites.” I have always worried more that my broad shoulders will fit into a blouse than an ample bosom. Recently, as a bridesmaid in a wedding I wore 2 strapless bras to fill out the fitted top of the halter-neck dress. Diamonds can go to hell: my chicken cutlets and my (soon-to-be-retired) Nubra are my real best friends.
On the bright side: I’ve always jogged comfortably. I sleep flat on my stomach. J Crew shelf bra tanks are more than enough support. Men address me to my face, not to my chest. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like something was missing. I got hips, why not tits?
Recently I was at a party and my friend Samantha’s button up shirt was gaping. “Samantha,” I said jokingly, “You’re being indecent.” Her boyfriend was nearby and happily invited himself into our conversation. “Samantha has nothing up top,” he informed me. “Don’t talk to me about nothing on top,” I said. “All I’ve got is Junior Mints.”
He took one look at me and said “No, Samantha has Junior Mints. You…you’ve got Thin Mints.”
And the rest is history.
Despite what Judy Bloom instilled in all our minds 20 years ago, “We must, we must, we must increase our bust” did not work for some of us the way it did for Margaret. Some of us managed to grow into adults without moving into a full cup size. And no, that’s not “I’m a big B, nearly a C.” Sadly, some of us remain entrenched in the AA camp.
I’ve never worn a shirt with darts that fit correctly. Or a dress that was not baggy on top. Or a bikini top where I did not have to pray it would stay down versus riding up over my “mosquito bites.” I have always worried more that my broad shoulders will fit into a blouse than an ample bosom. Recently, as a bridesmaid in a wedding I wore 2 strapless bras to fill out the fitted top of the halter-neck dress. Diamonds can go to hell: my chicken cutlets and my (soon-to-be-retired) Nubra are my real best friends.
On the bright side: I’ve always jogged comfortably. I sleep flat on my stomach. J Crew shelf bra tanks are more than enough support. Men address me to my face, not to my chest. But I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel like something was missing. I got hips, why not tits?
Recently I was at a party and my friend Samantha’s button up shirt was gaping. “Samantha,” I said jokingly, “You’re being indecent.” Her boyfriend was nearby and happily invited himself into our conversation. “Samantha has nothing up top,” he informed me. “Don’t talk to me about nothing on top,” I said. “All I’ve got is Junior Mints.”
He took one look at me and said “No, Samantha has Junior Mints. You…you’ve got Thin Mints.”
And the rest is history.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Someone needs to gaff Offshore Dave
In case I haven't made it clear: it's not going to be me. Apparently my non-response has made him impatient as he felt compelled to email me again. [No, I haven't logged in to Match since he first emailed me. Yes, you can see when someone has last logged in.]
Sorry, offshoredave, as much as I'm sure you'd love to have my arms wrapped around your waist as we zip around on your jetski outside your waterfront condo...IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. But thanks for checking in!
From: offshoredave
Date Received: September 14
Subject: just wanted to say hows it going?
Just checking in
Sorry, offshoredave, as much as I'm sure you'd love to have my arms wrapped around your waist as we zip around on your jetski outside your waterfront condo...IT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN. But thanks for checking in!
From: offshoredave
Date Received: September 14
Subject: just wanted to say hows it going?
Just checking in
Saturday, September 12, 2009
Catch of the day: Offshore Dave!
Okay ladies, if it doesn't work out between me and "offshoredave" the rest of you out there can fight over him. Allow me to highlight a few of his finer qualities...
-I am not to much into sports Ill watch but I am not one of those guys that yell at the tv
-I live in a water front condo
-I have a small fishing boat at the beach and a jet ski
-I also have a 22 ft larson that is tottly inclosed with clear plastic to extend the boating season and set up for over night trips. I want to take you on over night trips to new places
-I am starting to drive his race car. 700 hp nice
He's a total free spirit - spelling and grammar rules can't keep this guy down! And he's so adventurous: the boats, the race car, overnight trips to new places...it's like an instant orgasm!
So after he takes me away on his boat for an overnight trip to Rapesville and subsequently kills me and uses my corpse as chum...well, line up girls so you, too, can have a go at such an incredible catch. Please note, however, he's not into "club" girls so you clubbers may want to step out of line now.
From: offshoredave
Date received: September 12, 2009
Subject: I own a boat repair shop lets talk
The second I read your profile I said I need to get to know you so you arent into clubing thank god for that!!! every one of your interest are mine except I am not to much into sports Ill watch but I am not one of those guys that yell at the tv your sense of humor is most likely like mine. Well I am very interested in you. I live in a water front condo and I have a small fishing boat at the beach and a jet ski the blues and bass are in I would love to take you some time I also have a 22 ft larson that is tottly inclosed with clear plastic to extend the boating season and set up for over night trips. I want to take you on over night trips to new places we can trailer it to the cape or florida I also have a 40 ft boat I can use its not mine I am starting to drive his race car. 700 hp nice well any way I hope you want to give me a shot I am a great guy looking for a great woman.
-I am not to much into sports Ill watch but I am not one of those guys that yell at the tv
-I live in a water front condo
-I have a small fishing boat at the beach and a jet ski
-I also have a 22 ft larson that is tottly inclosed with clear plastic to extend the boating season and set up for over night trips. I want to take you on over night trips to new places
-I am starting to drive his race car. 700 hp nice
He's a total free spirit - spelling and grammar rules can't keep this guy down! And he's so adventurous: the boats, the race car, overnight trips to new places...it's like an instant orgasm!
So after he takes me away on his boat for an overnight trip to Rapesville and subsequently kills me and uses my corpse as chum...well, line up girls so you, too, can have a go at such an incredible catch. Please note, however, he's not into "club" girls so you clubbers may want to step out of line now.
From: offshoredave
Date received: September 12, 2009
Subject: I own a boat repair shop lets talk
The second I read your profile I said I need to get to know you so you arent into clubing thank god for that!!! every one of your interest are mine except I am not to much into sports Ill watch but I am not one of those guys that yell at the tv your sense of humor is most likely like mine. Well I am very interested in you. I live in a water front condo and I have a small fishing boat at the beach and a jet ski the blues and bass are in I would love to take you some time I also have a 22 ft larson that is tottly inclosed with clear plastic to extend the boating season and set up for over night trips. I want to take you on over night trips to new places we can trailer it to the cape or florida I also have a 40 ft boat I can use its not mine I am starting to drive his race car. 700 hp nice well any way I hope you want to give me a shot I am a great guy looking for a great woman.
Friday, September 11, 2009
[insert eye roll here]
This was odd. My colleague needed a new mouse and the I.T. guy stopped by to deliver it for him. Mr I.T. (whom I do not actually know his name) started to chat with me and being the super nice person that I am, I indulged him despite my workload and disinterest. We talked about his Blackberry Storm and the adjustment it takes to go from a keyboard to touch screen and the crappy battery life blah blah blah. A total "nerd person" convo - completely tech related.
So imagine my surprise when he throws out there "Oh, so you live in N------*."
*I removed the name of my town to protect my privacy, of which I seem to have none.
Not a question: a statement.
It was an odd statement, because at no point have I ever had a conversation with this person about where I live. In fact, we have never had a conversation previously other than a smile and hello in passing. And it was even more odd that he would just throw it out there.
I paused, feeling uncomfortable, and slowly said "Uh, yeah...." I figured he would get to the point...like the girl who cleans the restrooms in my office did when when she stopped me one day and said "You live in N------, right? I work at the Dunkin' Donuts and I always see you running by!"
But no, Mr I.T. seemed to have no reason for this knowledge, and seemed oblivious to the inappropriate nature of the question. He followed up with "How long you live there for?"
Now I finally got smart and I said "Oh, WE have lived there for a while. Ok, so I'll let my colleague know you brought the mouse by." And I turned away from him and back to my computer.
I.T. staffers are generally socially awkward and harmless...but this felt extra creepy. Is he a hacker, scouring the company databases for home addresses? [Maybe he hacked into my Blackberry and sent the "not feeling it" email to Bad Date!]
For now the mystery remains. N----- is a big place so I'm going to hope he has seen me around town running errands and is too socially retarded to understand he should clarify his stalker-esque statements lest he frighten someone.
I was advised by my (male) colleagues I need refine who is worthy of my pleasantries and charm and who deserves to be treated like dirt. I need to go from being sweet and charismatic to an aloof bitch at a moment's notice. The next time Mr I.T. shows up with a mouse I should ignore him, but should he dare ask me where my colleague's desk is located I must sigh and roll my eyes in annoyance at the disruption - put him on guard around a person "like me". I must discourage any discourse, he's not worthy of my time. Make him feel less than human. Once he has left our space, I can return to being "myself."
Are these really skills I want to refine within my character? Do I want to be cruel and manipulative and controlling...am I even capable of it?
So imagine my surprise when he throws out there "Oh, so you live in N------*."
*I removed the name of my town to protect my privacy, of which I seem to have none.
Not a question: a statement.
It was an odd statement, because at no point have I ever had a conversation with this person about where I live. In fact, we have never had a conversation previously other than a smile and hello in passing. And it was even more odd that he would just throw it out there.
I paused, feeling uncomfortable, and slowly said "Uh, yeah...." I figured he would get to the point...like the girl who cleans the restrooms in my office did when when she stopped me one day and said "You live in N------, right? I work at the Dunkin' Donuts and I always see you running by!"
But no, Mr I.T. seemed to have no reason for this knowledge, and seemed oblivious to the inappropriate nature of the question. He followed up with "How long you live there for?"
Now I finally got smart and I said "Oh, WE have lived there for a while. Ok, so I'll let my colleague know you brought the mouse by." And I turned away from him and back to my computer.
I.T. staffers are generally socially awkward and harmless...but this felt extra creepy. Is he a hacker, scouring the company databases for home addresses? [Maybe he hacked into my Blackberry and sent the "not feeling it" email to Bad Date!]
For now the mystery remains. N----- is a big place so I'm going to hope he has seen me around town running errands and is too socially retarded to understand he should clarify his stalker-esque statements lest he frighten someone.
I was advised by my (male) colleagues I need refine who is worthy of my pleasantries and charm and who deserves to be treated like dirt. I need to go from being sweet and charismatic to an aloof bitch at a moment's notice. The next time Mr I.T. shows up with a mouse I should ignore him, but should he dare ask me where my colleague's desk is located I must sigh and roll my eyes in annoyance at the disruption - put him on guard around a person "like me". I must discourage any discourse, he's not worthy of my time. Make him feel less than human. Once he has left our space, I can return to being "myself."
Are these really skills I want to refine within my character? Do I want to be cruel and manipulative and controlling...am I even capable of it?
Thursday, September 10, 2009
This is how it's supposed to go down
I just sent another Bad Date out to pasture. He was a nice guy, but I don't need an unemployed baby-daddy in my life who is living in the glory days of when he "was" an i-banker.
So I sent him my standard 'just not feeling it' email and thankfully he understood. His response was a short and simple "No worries, good luck."
It's so much easier when they get it on the first try!
So I sent him my standard 'just not feeling it' email and thankfully he understood. His response was a short and simple "No worries, good luck."
It's so much easier when they get it on the first try!
Tuesday, September 8, 2009
High-Tech Earplugs
Before I got an iPod I used to store music on my Blackberry. I would plug headphones into the phone jack and was good to go…except for the cord connecting the headphones to the Blackberry. (I’m a moderately spastic runner who gets tangled in anything.) Then I got some fancy, high-tech Bluetooth headphones so I could listen to music utilizing the Bluetooth capability in my Blackberry, but without the complications of the cord. I set the whole thing up and tested it at home. The music quality wasn’t great: I had to turn the volume WAY up to hear it. But it was good enough and I went to bed, excited to hit the treadmill the next day.
The next day, a Tuesday, my alarm goes off at 5:30 AM, I hop out of bed and head to the gym to give my new wireless set-up a try. It wasn’t that great: with the noise of my treadmill and the various other machines around me I had the volume MAXED OUT to hear my music. I guess people around me were impressed with my wireless headphones because I got a lot of looks. [Or maybe they were just impressed with my amazing physique and incredible speed on the treadmill.] Anyway, I finished my run and shut the music off, removed the headphones and headed home to start my workday.
On Wednesday I took spin class so my Bluetooth headphones had the day off.
Now it’s Thursday. I wake up at 5:30 and head to the gym. I put the headphones on (Motorola S9 in case you’re wondering) and start the music up. I’m running and running and running and again the music is SO HARD to hear and the sound quality is so poor. The other morning gym patrons (morning gym people are typically regulars and are generally older) are still giving me looks, just like on Tuesday. I step onto the side rails of the treadmill and remove my headphones to see if I can figure out why the music is so faint and sounds so lousy…only to discover that the music was not playing through the headphones at all.
No, the headphones were basically acting as earplugs for me. Oh yes, the music was playing from my Blackberry…in fact, it was BLASTING from the small speaker on the phone.
I was mortified: I could not believe I had been irritating the other gym patrons with the rap, hip hop and dance music that I love to work out to. The looks I had been receiving from my fellow fitness-philes were nothing but disdain. I quickly packed up my belongings and left the gym in shame.
I was still completely horrified when I got to work and I emailed a colleague who I see at the gym every morning. “Hey Wes,” I wrote, “I can’t believe I had my music blasting out loud at the gym, I’m so embarrassed! I had no idea.”
Imagine my shock when he wrote back “I was digging it, loved the Jamiroquai. You didn’t know? It was like that on Tuesday too!”
I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. If you are a morning gym person then you know that prior to 7 AM the gym is a quiet refuge, a calming place to start the day. It is not meat-head guys and girls in sexy gym clothes hanging out and socializing. It’s for the I’m-serious-about-my-workout people who respect the morning gym etiquette. You most certainly do NOT blast rap, hip hop and dance music out of the tinny-sounding speaker on your phone for all to hear.
I took a few days off from the gym after that (self-imposed exile), hoping that the other regulars would forget about my low-tech mishap with my high-tech earplugs. And I got myself an iPod that has no speaker but does have a Bluetooth adapter so now I can run cord-free and shame-free.
The next day, a Tuesday, my alarm goes off at 5:30 AM, I hop out of bed and head to the gym to give my new wireless set-up a try. It wasn’t that great: with the noise of my treadmill and the various other machines around me I had the volume MAXED OUT to hear my music. I guess people around me were impressed with my wireless headphones because I got a lot of looks. [Or maybe they were just impressed with my amazing physique and incredible speed on the treadmill.] Anyway, I finished my run and shut the music off, removed the headphones and headed home to start my workday.
On Wednesday I took spin class so my Bluetooth headphones had the day off.
Now it’s Thursday. I wake up at 5:30 and head to the gym. I put the headphones on (Motorola S9 in case you’re wondering) and start the music up. I’m running and running and running and again the music is SO HARD to hear and the sound quality is so poor. The other morning gym patrons (morning gym people are typically regulars and are generally older) are still giving me looks, just like on Tuesday. I step onto the side rails of the treadmill and remove my headphones to see if I can figure out why the music is so faint and sounds so lousy…only to discover that the music was not playing through the headphones at all.
No, the headphones were basically acting as earplugs for me. Oh yes, the music was playing from my Blackberry…in fact, it was BLASTING from the small speaker on the phone.
I was mortified: I could not believe I had been irritating the other gym patrons with the rap, hip hop and dance music that I love to work out to. The looks I had been receiving from my fellow fitness-philes were nothing but disdain. I quickly packed up my belongings and left the gym in shame.
I was still completely horrified when I got to work and I emailed a colleague who I see at the gym every morning. “Hey Wes,” I wrote, “I can’t believe I had my music blasting out loud at the gym, I’m so embarrassed! I had no idea.”
Imagine my shock when he wrote back “I was digging it, loved the Jamiroquai. You didn’t know? It was like that on Tuesday too!”
I wanted to crawl into a hole and die. If you are a morning gym person then you know that prior to 7 AM the gym is a quiet refuge, a calming place to start the day. It is not meat-head guys and girls in sexy gym clothes hanging out and socializing. It’s for the I’m-serious-about-my-workout people who respect the morning gym etiquette. You most certainly do NOT blast rap, hip hop and dance music out of the tinny-sounding speaker on your phone for all to hear.
I took a few days off from the gym after that (self-imposed exile), hoping that the other regulars would forget about my low-tech mishap with my high-tech earplugs. And I got myself an iPod that has no speaker but does have a Bluetooth adapter so now I can run cord-free and shame-free.
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