Are you really LOL?

Match.com creep #20,017 sent me an email this week. The first thing I see is his profile name: cu2knight. Nice, dude. In your dreams, and I don't mean that kind of dream.

His obnoxious user ID wasn't the only signal that a major douchebag was about to be revealed. Next up was the subject line of the email, which was strongly reminiscent of one quarter of the spam in my junk mail folder (the remainder of my spam folder is dedicated to my prescription drug needs related to my erectile dysfunction and mental illness):
Subject: CONGRATS! YOU GOTTA READ THIS...

And finally, he sealed his fate with the following email message:

Your match of the week! How's everything??

I just assume you're gettin tired of all these stupid emails from guys, so this is my attempt NOT to write you a corney email. ;-) Hope it works for ya!

so what's goin on?? Ummm...

Your profile DID catch my attention though, and I wanted to find out more about you!
I see by your pictures, you have more than ONE source of income.
LOL! It's cool! (who's money is that?)

A little about me...I'm 32, a firefighter/EMT. I'm attractive, spontaneous, funny, and fun to be around!
How about yourself?? Tell me...

What is something that you're REALLY attracted to in a man?
What's is a major 'turnoff' for you?
What are you most passionate about in life? Yoga pant's, huh?

I just hope you REALLY are a cool, attractive, sarcastic woman, and not some 400 pound toothless old man pretending to be one, ya know?
ENOUGH OF THAT! LOL!

Anyway...I'm sure you're here to meet someone.
So, why don't you reach out to me...we'll have a drink sometime.
And if nothing else...you'll make a cool friend!

CHRIS


My immediate thoughts:
-Enough with the LOL-ing. I highly doubt you are Laughing Out Loud, and if you are...you're an idiot because what you are LOL at isn't even funny.
-Your attempt to not write me a corny email was far and away one of the corniest emails I have received. However, you do get points for actually reading my profile. (No points awarded for looking at my pictures, as that is a given.)
-It's fantastic that you think you're attractive and what's even more attractive about you is the fact that you felt compelled to tell me you're attractive. [For those of you who saw his profile picture, it was agreed he is scary-looking and not attractive. Think old-school Arnold Schwarzenegger....shudder!]
-In addition to your self-appointed stunning good looks, I appreciate the fact that you informed me that if it doesn't work out between us, at least I'll make a cool friend. Now do you mean I would make a cool friend for you to have, or that you would be a cool friend for me to have? Given your egotistical message I'm going to assume you mean I get to make the cool friend. Thanks!
-Grammar check: this guy is a huge fan of the "apostrophe s" - particularly when it is not applicable. And is your caps lock key stuck down? For a dude you're a big fan of the "!!!" and the emphasis implied by capitalization. STOP SHOUTING AT ME!!!
-You're sure I'm here to meet someone...don't be so sure! So far all Match.com has been good for is some fun anecdotes to keep my friends (attached and otherwise) laughing. "Ya know?" No, I don't know - LOL!!!

And so the search continues...

"Intellectual Petting"

Another Match.com weirdo comes out of the woodwork. Here is the original email I received:
_____________________
From: real_deal123
Date received: October 07, 2009
Subject: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..

Well, that pic of the 100 dollar bill is hilarious.... and you look like you know exactly how to have a good time.. I don't write to many on here, but I loved your profile.. .and I'm thinking the sense of humor is probably fantastic... hope to chat soon...
David
_____________________

I have to admit, I was flattered. I mean, Real_Deal_Davie doesn't email many on Match.com but he chose ME!!! Despite his obnoxious user ID I take a look at his profile. As a rule of thumb, when looking at someone's profile you always start with their pictures first that way you don't waste valuable moments of your life reading a profile that ultimately won't ever matter. I'm flipping through his pics and they are all relatively normal, a smiling "husky-ish" fellow who likes beaches and restaurants and seems to have a social life. He cropped out all friends, but he was with other people.

Then I get to the last picture...and it's a self portrait taken in what is CLEARLY a laundry room, but the fact that there's a broad mirror tells me it's a laundry room/bathroom. There wasn't even an attempt to disguise the fact that it was a self portrait in a bathroom mirror, he was holding his blackberry up and out to get the best angle and lighting for the photo.

I'm intrigued at this total lapse in good picture judgment and I read his profile.
_____________________
Headline:
Anybody else a flip-flop fanatic?? Looking to find my other 1/2 to the flip-flop gang.. LOL.. I do wear appropriate footwear when it matters

Profile:
Just to clear up something: I have tons of flexibility in my schedule so location is not that important within reason.

Must be able to really laugh at yourself at times... This world is too serious!!!

First of all, I must say rock solid in terms of my loyalty and character, just making that clear, and secondly, I am really looking for someone with whom I engage in "intellectual petting" if you know what I'm talking about you probably would get along well with me....Wow..what a tough thing to try and sum up in 4000 characters.. Get to know me and I am a very trustworthy, generous, loving, loyal person who really enjoys life to the fullest. I've travelled all over the US and enjoy taking many trips/year even if those trips are only 2 to 3 days. I enjoy intellectual stimulation with someone as I love to learn new things and love to be constantly challenged.. My ideal person (NOT a must) would be intelligent, possibly athletic, maybe a former high school or collegiate athlete and I do get along with teachers, nurses, and those from the business community best but I am totally open to other options.. I have typically been attracted to tall women, but that does not rule out anyone, though I do draw the line at 5' 1", LOL.. There is so much more to me than 4000 characters and I think I am really looking for someone with a GREAT sense of humor that meshes well with mine, someone who loves the water/beach, trustworthy and loyal are big factors as well. Many things are open for discussion and I only have a few deal breakers, smoking being one of them.
_____________________

My immediate thoughts:
-Douchebag
-Here we go with the LOYALTY again - and three references to it!!
-Intellectual petting - WTF?
-I like how his ideal woman does not have to be intelligent. It's good he specifies that because he doesn't have a chance with an actual intelligent woman.
-Teachers and Nurses = Fetish

I'm annoyed that he wrote to me and stated that not many woman receive the honor of an email from him, yet he has obviously contacted enough women on Match who live some distance away that he offers the disclaimer about his schedule flexibility. So I write him an email pointing out in a subtle way that I think he, and his bathroom self portrait, are lame.

_____________________
To: real_deal123
Date received: October 11, 2009
Subject: RE: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..

Hi David,

Thanks for your email. I looked at your profile and to be honest I have no idea what intellectual petting is. I did Google the term and the first result was a blog "confessions of an intellectual Barbie." The second result was a biography on Pope John Paul II. The third result was a band "Heavy Petting" and the fourth, "Petting Zoo Gifts." Eclectic mix there.

Is one of your profile pics REALLY a self-portrait taken in a what appears to be a laundry room...if not a bathroom?
_____________________

And the response comes back...
_____________________
From: real_deal123
Date received: October 12, 2009
Subject: RE: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..

so you are sarcastic..!!! Fantastic..., and yes, that pic was in the bathroom/laundry room.. it's my self-portrait room... I can't wait to hear some things that border on inappropriate.. .haha... that comment was hilarious!!...

Need to know more about you!!
David
_____________________

Douchebag status: Confirmed. (As if there were any doubts.) A self-portrait room....how many self portraits does a moderately unattractive man need? I can only begin to wonder how many pics he snapped of himself in the bathroom the night he took the pic that actually made it online. I had no intentions of replying to his email, as my single question ("did you really take a pic in the bathroom?") had been answered. But Real_Deal_Davie has fallen for me...and I suspect he kept thinking about me and re-reading my email again and again and again...because one day later he writes back. For a second time.
_____________________
From: real_deal123
Date received: October 13, 2009
Subject: RE: hang w/ the boys huh?? hmmm..

Intellectual petting is that feeling when you are turned on by a conversation w/ someone... but more in depth than that... Any interest in chatting on the phone?

David
_____________________

Ah, so intellectual petting = talking dirty. Creepy, weird and way too much information way too soon. Is he really asking me for phone sex? Do I have to pretend I'm either a nurse or a teacher? Or does he want to have a stimulating conversation with me about the notional value of options contracts on an equity portfolio. Yeah, that will definitely turn him on.

Sorry Real_Deal_Davie, I have no interest in giving you the intellectual petting you crave. If I'm going to talk dirty it's going to be for a 1-900 number so I get paid. Because as you know, I only give freebies to the guys at work: [in sexy, sultry voice] So guys, who's Justin Beaver?

Match - a celebration of codependency

One thing that seems to be common among the men of Match: their extreme loyalty. Nearly every prospect sites his undying loyalty in his profile...and his insistence that his Match be loyal in return.

Why loyalty? It is fairly simply to spell: l-o-y-a-l-t-y...hmm, actually not that easy. Trust me, these guys can mess that up in a heartbeat. Another thought: there's some online automated profile writer (kind of like Mad Libs for Love) that gives a baseline story and you fill in the obvious details: I enjoy {noun}, and {verb}, and I'm {adverb} into {verb}. (This could be a very fun future post, stay tuned!)

No, I believe that these guys are being honest about their codependency. Because isn't that the key "strength" of a codependent: extreme loyalty to the point that it becomes enabling?

Loyalty in a relationship should be a given. I don't want to read about how loyal you are in your profile, that's something you show me over time. And if extreme loyalty is all you've got to tell me about yourself, well then we don't have much to build on here. You may as well write "I'm extremely damaged. Can you handle that?"

So guys, lose the "loyalty" and tell me something about you that I would not already assume. Do you like to BBQ? Tell me. Are you one of those guys who "yell at the TV" when sports is on? Tell me. What are you passionate about? Tell me. If we weren't all looking for loyalty then we'd be on Adult Friend Finder, not Match.com.

She sure likes her juice!

On occasion, I have a glass of wine with dinner. Not every night, and usually not at all during the week. But if I do open a bottle to accompany my flat iron steak (a delicious cut of meat, highly recommended) I have a tendency to have a glass of "juice" several nights in a row simply to not let the bottle go to waste. After all, who wants to be wasteful?

Why am I calling it juice? The joke is that I drink the wine out of a juice glass. An Ikea juice glass, the best $0.60/each I ever spent.

Why a juice glass? Two reasons.

1. Washing and drying a single wine glass is a huge pain: my Reidels are quite delicate and require TLC.

2. The dishwasher: as a single female living alone my dishwasher is run about once every three weeks. I all but wash each dish before placing it inside. However, I have an extremely active imagination and I have managed to dream up every horrible demise that could possibly befall me. This, despite being a revoltingly optimistic person. Following to my premature death I see my heartbroken parents coming to my home to clear out my belongings. [Let's be honest, it would be more of a looting situation.] My mother opens the dishwasher...and finds it full of wine glasses.

Trust me, I am not worried in the least about either of my parents questioning my drinking -they of ALL people should not question an other's drinking- but I would simply hate for anyone to think I was home alone sucking down wine and hiding bottles in the garbage.

Because part of my overactive imagination is envisioning the scenario that would play out in their minds upon discovering a dishwasher full of wine glasses: Tish, in sweats and glasses, quietly opens the door to the hallway late at night. She pauses, listening intently to ensure no one is coming, then tip-toes out and heads for the stairs, quietly lugging a Hefty bag bulging in numerous places with empty wine bottles and the occasional wine box. The bottles in the bag clink together and Tish cringes, fearful of what the neighbors would think if they saw her toting the garbage bag of shame down to the recycling bins...

Rather, it comforts me to think that when the dishwasher is opened by my family they will see plates, bowls, forks, knives, spoons...and a whole lot of juice glasses. Which will prompt them to say "Wow, she sure liked her juice!"

Indeed, I do.

Gr8_Guy_4U

There's a whole lot of great guys on match. Nice guys too. And a few good guys, but definitely more great guys than anything else. How do I know?

Is it from the success stories I hear from my friends regarding their positive Match.com experiences? Is it from my own experience dating guys from Match? Is it from perusing their online photos that show them surrounded by lots of friends and family? [He must be normal, someone let him hold their baby!]

Nope, I know this because of their user IDs.

For some reason, many guys on Match feel compelled to make their user ID containing 'great guy', 'gr8 guy', 'nice guy'...and about a million variations of these. I guess the rationale is "She'll overlook my hideous appearance and inability to use spell check when she sees my user ID says I'm a great guy!"

But that's the problem with these so called 'great guys': nothing in their written profile ever indicates greatness. Well, aside from the standard opening line in their summary: "My friends and family all say I'm a great guy."

Let's be honest here...if you were really that great, you would have already been snatched up by an equally great woman and you would be living out the American dream. You know, the dream that includes 2.5 kids, no savings, maxed out credit cards, a mortgage that's under water and a dried up line of credit tied to said mortgage.

You're not selling yourself with that user ID...in fact, "Gr8_Guy_4U", you're selling yourself short with it. If you're really a decent guy prove it in a meaningful way: write a great summary of who you are, what you like, and what you're looking for.

If the only thing that makes you great is your user ID and some generic testimonial attributed to friends and family...well, you best sign up for the extended plan at Match.com because that simply is not going to work. On a great gal like me, anyway.

I was "Justin Beaver" last night!

The 4 guys who make up my team and I were at our usual lunch place in Manhattan (Lenny's, 9th and 43rd). The guys are all older than I am, married, with 9 kids among them ranging in age from 16 months to 16 years. So I figured one of them would be able to answer my question:

Who's Justin Beaver?

I should have known by the way one of my colleagues reacted that I best drop my line of questioning...but I didn't get it. Yet. But I would get it later and the pain still lingers as I type these words.

My colleague, someone I consider a dear friend who tells it like it is with no BS and who has a filthier mind and mouth than yours truly, practically has an aneurysm. I can see him starting to lose his sh!t, I can see he is just barely clinging to the edges of his sanity and that he is bursting with a joke so vile, yet so funny (to him) that he can hardly contain himself. And that only the presence of our boss, a 50-something executive seated between us, is keeping him from saying what he is clearly dying to say.

But I ignored him, I ignored what I thought was his childish reaction to my use of the word "beaver" and its somewhat ridiculous association with a vagina. I ignore the looks and the snickering passing among the 3 guys at the far end of the table and I blazed ahead:

Yeah, Justin Beaver. I keep hearing ads on the radio to meet Justin Beaver and I thought maybe you guys with kids would know about Justin Beaver. I think Justin Beaver is a musician, or maybe an actor. It seems like teenagers are all about Justin Beaver...any thoughts? Anyone know Justin Beaver?

The awkwardness at the table was becoming physical. Even I was squirming now, but not from repressed laughter. No one could swallow their food because chewing the same mouthful was all that was keeping them from either saying something they would regret or breaking down in hysterical laughter. And I still didn't get it. Is "beaver" really that ridiculous of a word? It's a legititmate last name, I once knew a guy from the U.K. whose last name was Beavor. "Seriously," I'm thinking. "Grow up."

I even go so far as to google Justin Beaver on my iPhone...and sadly, no hits. I look like a lunatic.

So I drop Justin Beaver. And I'm annoyed at their reaction: WTF, we can't use the word beaver anymore? What if it were in reference to woodland creatures? You know, the dam builders?

Lunch goes on, only marginally less awkward now that I'm not asking "who's Justin Beaver?" And so Justin Beaver is forgotten...until we leave lunch and are walking back to the office. My colleague whose head nearly blew up from trying to contain his hysteria pulls me aside and says "Do you WANT to get me fired?"

"I swear, there's an ad on the radio...!!!"

"Yeah, well it was all I could do to NOT say 'I was just in beaver last night!'"

Oh. My. God.

I thought it was the "beaver" part they were laughing at. No - it was the Simpsons' style phone prank name innuendo: JUST IN BEAVER. I was mortified. This was no Amanda Huginkiss, this wasn't Oliver Clothesoff...no, this was Justin Beaver. And I must have said "Who's Justin Beaver" about 50 times over the course of that lunch, completely oblivious to what my colleagues were hearing. No wonder that was so uncomfortable and awkward.

But I still could not let it go. I did not make this person up: Justin Beaver exists, even if his name is ridiculous. Back at the office I google "Justin Beaver" and "musician"...and I get a hit:

Justin Bieber.

A shaggy-haired 15 year old Canadian singing sensation with an enormous teen following. He will soon be performing in the area and the radio stations are lining up plenty of "beaver" to lust after him in person. Bieber. With a B, not V.

Of course I send an email to the guys with a link to his MTV fan page to prove I am not insane (just deaf) and to cover my ass in the eventual HR intervention relating to Beavergate.

My boss responds to the email "Still haven't heard of him."

And so "Who's just in beaver?" goes down in history. But hopefully not in my annual performance review.