The Liability

We noticed "The Liability" when he stumbled down to the edge of the water and urinated through his swim trunks, completely unaware of what he was doing. We would have noticed him anyway -- the scorching sunburn on his body, the lack of shoes, the way he clutched his backpack...the tell-tale drunken lurching, barefoot, over the rock and broken shell beach.

We watched, laughed and heckled as the kid, through unseeing eyes, finished pissing his trunks -- DID NOT EVEN BOTHER RINSING IN THE WATER -- and returned to the party further up the beach. We laughed some more when we determined the boat he had arrived on had long since departed and would not be returning until the next day. But he wasn't our problem. Or was he?

Fast forward a few hours. We're leaving the party, it's dark, the tide is out. And guess who's back. The Liability. He's got an advocate this time, someone less drunk than he is, who is imploring us to return him to land, drop him at any train station, he needs to get back to NYC. The Liability is still shoe- and shirtless, he's still clutching the backpack like it contains the Holy Grail, and although none of us are close enough to smell, he likely reeks of beer and urine. Excellent.

After some serious debating among our group over who would take the urine-soaked Liability aboard their boat, he was finally assigned to the boat I was on and since I would be driving past the train station I was tasked with dropping him off. It was 8:30 PM, the next train to NYC from the E Norwalk station was at 10:30. The Liability would have a long wait.

We get to the gas dock at Cove (an even longer story about why that was my origin point) and I take The Liability, now also covered in black mud due to the muddy bottom at low tide, off the boat. Our captain hops off too, grabs the hose on the dock, and immediately hoses his boat down...eliminating the urine and mud from our formerly shared, but now MY, liability. Good idea -- I grab the hose and start hosing the kid down, scrubbing the mud off his legs.

Ok, small improvement: instead of a putting filthy, urine-soaked drunken dude in my pristine car I'm putting a soaking wet drunken dude in my pristine car. Even worse, he has no shoes and my sympathy has been piqued. All I can think is this kid is going to hit the streets of NYC, quite possibly the subway, and he has no shoes. He doesn't have a friend in the world at this moment...the world being the State of Connecticut. He has a pair of formerly-pissy swim trunks, a wife beater (that I found when I rifled through his beloved backpack), a wet towel, a wallet devoid of money but YES! he does have a train ticket back to NYC, and an iPhone. But no shoes.

While I'm feeling sympathetic, I'm not feeling super generous with my footwear, which are a still-good pair of black Reefs. I do have a pair of Reefs at home (ok, several pairs...) that are so worn on the bottom there is zero traction left. I'm thinking The Liability can probably cram his foot into a pair of those -- really, beggars can't be choosers -- and take his chances in NYC with "better than nothing" vs. "nothing."

I explain to him that I will drive him to my house where I will provide him with some sort of footwear and then return him to the train station.

"I have to pee" he says.

Jeebus! Okay, I tell him, we'll be at my house in 3 minutes. In the meantime, DO NOT piss yourself, or my car. Here, sit on this towel - MY BEACH TOWEL - and don't piss on this either. No, no seatbelt for you. I'd rather replace my windshield after your body passes through it than think about your dripping-wet-formerly-urine-soaked swim trunks soiling my passenger side belt for the remainder of the time I own this car.

We get to my house without incident. I bring The Liability inside, direct him the bathroom, close the door and hop on my computer. Thank god - there's a 9:30 train to NYC leaving from another nearby station. There's plenty of time for me to drop him at that station and not worry about leaving him drunk, alone and defenseless for an hour at the closer train station.

The Liability reappears and asks "Do you have any cheese?"

Jeebus! He's lucky I went to the store this week. I give him a block of Dubliner (which I was loathe to part with, but understand drunken cheese craving), a bottle of water, and I cram a pair of turquoise Reefs (women's size 8) onto his feet. If he comes across a puddle of water while wearing these flippies on any smooth floor surface he will be flat on his back in 2 seconds. But that's not my problem. None of this is my problem -- but I made it my problem. *sigh*

Let's roll, I tell him.

From here on out it was fairly uneventful. I got The Liability to the station, delivered him directly to the platform, managed to get lost in South Norwalk returning home (you locals know how awful this was, happily I am gunshot and stab wound-free) and was home and in bed at 10 PM, basking in the good karma earned as the washing machine chugged quietly in the background, scrubbing my beach towel as clean as my conscience.

Where's the love?

I just returned from my trip. I was barely home 12 hours when I was forwarded an article from a local newspaper: "Wiltonian ascends Mount Kilimanjaro."

The article interviewed a local man who recently summited Kili. What makes him so special?

He raised $1,000 for celiac disease.

$1,000? That's all you could raise? Kind of surprising that the goal was so low, particularly when he goes on and on in the article about the challenges of the climb, how he pushed his body to the limit, but that it was all worth it in the end.

But really -- $1,000? I raised $1,000 to participate in Spin Odyssey where we rode stationary bikes for 6 hours while being fed all the food and drink you could want while hopping off for bathroom breaks, massages, or just because you felt like it. And we got goodie bags and long-sleeve t's. (Everyone loves a long-sleeve t!)

But this douchebag hit up his friends and family and "community" to contribute funds on his behalf so he could trudge up a mountain over the course of 7 days, pushing his body to the limit (his words, not mine), and all he could raise was $1,000?

If you really want to make a change in the world and help people out...then take the $10,000 you just dropped on the trip and contribute THAT to your cause. Then use the 7 days you spent climbing to stand outside Whole Foods and solicit the good people of Fairfield County to contribute additional funds.

Your "vacation" was a poorly veiled attempt at philanthropy and your $1,000 "achievement" --while generous of your friends, family, and community-- is absurdly weak.

PS: The climb wasn't that hard, maybe you should have trained more instead of spending all that time on your fundraising?