The Restroom

It seems like I often find myself in unusual circumstances. Someone once told me that nothing particularly unusual happens to me, it's just that I choose to tell others about it. I disagree, and only partly because that comment came from a boring person who never has anything of interest to say.

Restrooms are particularly prone to "incidents", and I know I am not the only person who has been subjected to a restroom incident...or have caused one myself.

Cause of an incident:
On a recent workday I was busy from the moment I arrived at the office, although I did have time to grab a glass of water and cup of tea before settling in. But it was hours before I had a moment to heed nature's call. At my first available chance I dashed to the ladies' room and although I had company in there, my favorite stall was available.

With bladder bursting, I hiked my skirt to my waist and I tried to pull my tights down...only to discover they would not budge. I did some twisting and neck craning and discovered that the hook from the hook and eye at the back of my skirt had hooked itself into my tights and was holding fast. The tights were not going down without a fight.

Mind you, my bladder is urgently telling me to hurry, hurry, hurry! I do the pee pee dance to buy some time.

I try to unhook the tiny little hook, but it's not just caught, it's twisted in my fancy open-weave tights. I try to pull my skirt down with the tights, but only manage to bust a giant hole in the crotch of the tights. Don't ask how, I could not tell you. I will tell you they were expensive tights and I was angry that they were now ruined.

Finally, in I'm-going-to-wet-myself panic, I reach deep within me and with super-human strength I ripped the hook off my skirt, yanked the skirt up while simultaneously yanking my tights down and enjoy a long and wonderful pee. Yes, you know the kind I'm talking about. When I was done (after a comically-long length of time) I untwisted the hook from my tights and re-dressed.

So how was I the cause of an incident? It seems more like I was the victim given the debacle with the hook on my skirt. Well, the entire time I was battling my clothing someone was in the stall next to me, listening and most certainly wondering what was going on. The muttering, the tapping shoes during my pee pee dance, the ripping sound of the tights, and finally the popping sound of the hook being released from its resistant thread anchors on my skirt...whomever was in the stall next to me certainly had a restroom incident to tell their friends later. Although I'm pretty sure my 5 minute pee summed it all up.

Subject of an Incident:
I went to the carwash early one day a few weeks ago. It's the fancy car wash where you get out and they vacuum the interior, drive the car through for you and then you get it back on the other side all sparkly clean and dry.

I went into the lobby to pay and I realized "Gee, I have to pee" so I go to the restroom (a onesie that is gender neutral) and open the door.

Dear god. There's a carwash guy sitting on the can taking a dump! Jeans at his ankles, tighty-whitey's at his knees. "Excusa me! Excusa me," he's saying.

WTF, dude, lock the fucking door!!! Now two of us are traumatized.

I paid as quickly as I could and went outside to wait for my car, lest I be subject to any further embarrassment - like having to see the carwash dude using a towel to buff my car dry after I just saw him...you know.