"You have really great feet"

Quite possibly the worst pick-up line ever. And it could not be further from the truth: my feet are terrible. I run. Lots. I wear high heels. Daily. My feet are bony, veiny and they show their miles. I don't have bunions, but I do have cankles. My legs have been described as "nice and sturdy, like a piano." (That quote is from my dear mother.) My toes are stubby and fat, like Vienna sausages. Speaking of canned meats, I describe my calves as canned hams: big, fleshy, pinkish. I currently have a terrible sunburn on my feet after missing them with sunblock while wearing my Vibram Five Fingers. Trust me, I do not have great feet.

Background: I was at an impromptu BBQ celebrating the homecoming of a friend after a long trip. A male friend of the host came; he's someone I have met a handful of times and I know he's interested in me and I have made it perfectly clear the feeling is not mutual. But sometimes dudes just don't get it.

It started out like this: the Dude walks in the door and makes a beeline towards ME, despite the guest of honor being present in the room. After being forced into an awkward hug (why couldn't we just fist bump?) I immediately began my strategy of ducking, hiding and other forms of avoidance. I did a lot of dishes. I refilled wine glasses constantly. I peed frequently just to hide in the bathroom. But he's a persistent stalker and I was repeatedly trapped in mindless conversation. The Dude is not very socially adept, so the single question he asks me each time he accosts me is "When do you leave on your trip?" Even if he's just asked me 15 minutes prior.

At one point I was telling a group of guests that I wake up at the crack of dawn and how I entertain myself from 5-7 AM. In the course of my story I mentioned it's far too early to phone anyone and the Dude says, with a wink at me, "Hey Marsha, you can call me anytime."

I almost threw up. An adult male should NEVER wink at a woman. It's fucking weird. You must be over the age of 75, partially deaf and severely wrinkled to legitimately wink at a young lady.

In the split second I had to react to the super-creepy wink (and swallow the vomit) I almost responded "In your dreams" but thank goodness I didn't because I probably already am in his dreams. (Ick.)

So the comment goes unnoticed (hopefully: I haven't debriefed with the other guests) but he manages to corner me a short time later, this time in the kitchen. The Dude opens with his standard line "So when are you leaving on your trip?" I tell him AGAIN and then after an awkward pause where I refuse to fill the silence with a question, statement or other social panacea he looks down and says "You have really great feet."

As previously established: I do not have great feet. I have great shoes...but nice feet? It's just not the case. My toes are mangled from the aforementioned great shoes - in addition to the horrors of my piano legs, cankles and bony/veiny/sunburned feet.

"Really?" I say.

"Uh, yeah." He pauses, and takes a second look. The veins are visibly throbbing in my swollen feet, which are pressed tight against the straps of my flip flops. It looks like greenish worms squirming under my pink, splotchy, sun-damaged flesh. I wiggle my toes and the metatarsal bones move under my skin like piano keys. My feet are truly horrifying. More time passes in awkward silence. He realizes it's a terrible, terrible, grossly-inaccurate compliment and changes tracts: "That's a wild nail color."

Okay, that part is totes true: I'm wearing "Jade is the New Black" on my feet, part of the OPI Spring 2010 line. Awesome green color - do not miss it! But that does not preclude the fact that my feet are far from great and this dude doesn't know how to have a conversation. Plus he winked at me earlier, freak! I expertly divert the conversation to nail polish and quickly include the nearest guest in the conversation and ultimately escape his creepy presence as quickly as I can. I was the first to leave the BBQ simply to get away from him.

I appreciate his throwing the A-game at me (actually no, no I don't), but all he's going to get is a big fat F for the wink and the "compliment." I have to say, I haven't stopped looking at my feet since this incident. Holy crap, they are AWFUL. Check them out the next time you see me -- and then tell me how pretty you think my eyes are.