Are you really LOL?

Match.com creep #20,017 sent me an email this week. The first thing I see is his profile name: cu2knight. Nice, dude. In your dreams, and I don't mean that kind of dream.

His obnoxious user ID wasn't the only signal that a major douchebag was about to be revealed. Next up was the subject line of the email, which was strongly reminiscent of one quarter of the spam in my junk mail folder (the remainder of my spam folder is dedicated to my prescription drug needs related to my erectile dysfunction and mental illness):
Subject: CONGRATS! YOU GOTTA READ THIS...

And finally, he sealed his fate with the following email message:

Your match of the week! How's everything??

I just assume you're gettin tired of all these stupid emails from guys, so this is my attempt NOT to write you a corney email. ;-) Hope it works for ya!

so what's goin on?? Ummm...

Your profile DID catch my attention though, and I wanted to find out more about you!
I see by your pictures, you have more than ONE source of income.
LOL! It's cool! (who's money is that?)

A little about me...I'm 32, a firefighter/EMT. I'm attractive, spontaneous, funny, and fun to be around!
How about yourself?? Tell me...

What is something that you're REALLY attracted to in a man?
What's is a major 'turnoff' for you?
What are you most passionate about in life? Yoga pant's, huh?

I just hope you REALLY are a cool, attractive, sarcastic woman, and not some 400 pound toothless old man pretending to be one, ya know?
ENOUGH OF THAT! LOL!

Anyway...I'm sure you're here to meet someone.
So, why don't you reach out to me...we'll have a drink sometime.
And if nothing else...you'll make a cool friend!

CHRIS


My immediate thoughts:
-Enough with the LOL-ing. I highly doubt you are Laughing Out Loud, and if you are...you're an idiot because what you are LOL at isn't even funny.
-Your attempt to not write me a corny email was far and away one of the corniest emails I have received. However, you do get points for actually reading my profile. (No points awarded for looking at my pictures, as that is a given.)
-It's fantastic that you think you're attractive and what's even more attractive about you is the fact that you felt compelled to tell me you're attractive. [For those of you who saw his profile picture, it was agreed he is scary-looking and not attractive. Think old-school Arnold Schwarzenegger....shudder!]
-In addition to your self-appointed stunning good looks, I appreciate the fact that you informed me that if it doesn't work out between us, at least I'll make a cool friend. Now do you mean I would make a cool friend for you to have, or that you would be a cool friend for me to have? Given your egotistical message I'm going to assume you mean I get to make the cool friend. Thanks!
-Grammar check: this guy is a huge fan of the "apostrophe s" - particularly when it is not applicable. And is your caps lock key stuck down? For a dude you're a big fan of the "!!!" and the emphasis implied by capitalization. STOP SHOUTING AT ME!!!
-You're sure I'm here to meet someone...don't be so sure! So far all Match.com has been good for is some fun anecdotes to keep my friends (attached and otherwise) laughing. "Ya know?" No, I don't know - LOL!!!

And so the search continues...